Today's top news - UK population increase

The UK population has now reached 61 million for the first time and is rising at an astonishing 0.7% per year, says the BBC website. This will lead to the figure being in excess of 70M in 25 years time.

And 50 years – well, due to the effects of “compound interest” the figure will be 86.5M and in 100 years it will have doubled to 122M. The new M25 (or the Home Counties as they were previously known) should be a magnificent sight to behold on a Friday evening.

Every cloud however has a silver lining. All we need to do is be a bit more selective in who we allow to immigrate here. If we stick to largely South Americans (Brazil, Argentina) and a smattering of Western Europeans from countries such as France, Italy, Germany and Holland – just think what our football teams would be like.

“And on BBC37 now it’s the first semi-final of the World Cup where England take on Wales with Scotland and Northern Ireland playing at 8pm tomorrow.”

Mind you, we would have to be fair to the other sports. So cricket would require a good supply of Aussies, Kiwis, South Africans, West Indians, Indians, Pakistanis and Sri Lankans. Rugby would thrive as all the best nations would already be available from the other sports’ chosen countries, so it could also plunder the second string countries such as the Pacific Islands, Canada and the US.

Other plus points – just compare population size with yummy food. Most people you ask seem to love either Chinese or Indian food – the two most populous countries on earth. If the link is more than mere coincidence, we could be in store for a culinary revolution. Then, we would simply send all the cooks back to countries in the rest of the world to open restaurants and takeaways thus restoring the population to something more like the status quo (Status Quo incidentally are likely to be undertaking another farewell tour at about this time.)

Before you get too excited by the prospect of our sporting domination, please bear in mind that all sports will of course be virtual at this time as there is no longer any space for playing fields. The action will take place on the Interbrain with players and spectators brains electromagnetically linked in to the system with direct neural stimulation.

So don’t be downhearted. Many younger readers will still be alive in 100 years to see the benefits. In fact many will probably still be working as the bankers will have been given any remaining pension money and gone to live on private islands.