The world's greatest sailor / navigator / biologist

As it's a Sunday, let us pay tribute to a biblical character whose achievements have been so overlooked. One could mention his longevity - he lived to over 900, or the fact that he invented wine. Today however, we shall focus on the most famous achievement of Noah, the man without whom we would have no land animals alive today. The first great achievment is the obvious one. Building a boat large enough to house between two and seven of every land animal in existence as well as enough food to keep them alive for many months. Now, many thousands of years later, the human race, all six billion of it, still hasn't been able to discover and catalogue all of these animals - and it is quite a straightforward process, in places such as the Amazon rainforest, to discover a new species. But Noah, he got the lot and presumably a few others that have since died out. But the often overlooked skill of Noah and his family is their prodigious ship building ability. After all, they would have to have sent vessels to all parts of the Earth to collect the native species and return them to Noah. Then, after the waters had subsided, take them back to the appropriate part of the world. Given the limited time available, his family must have been amongst the most efficient workers ever to have lived, just to build the sea going vessels capable of such a task. And, of course, the history books must be re-written in terms of seamanship and exploration. It now beomes clear that a member of the Noah family must, by definition, have discovered most of the places on Earth, since they rescued and then returned the native species to them. The planning operation must have required great foresight as Noah's family would have to devise a method of exploring pretty much the whole of the Earth's surface, so as not to miss anything. This is made all the more impressive since, by definition, he must therefore also have been the one to discover that the Earth is round. The insight was amazing, imagine as he instructed his sons to head for the polar regions, as yet undiscovered on the off chance there might be some land there and to bring back what he found. One imagines that the penguins were met with rather more enthusiasm than the polar bears. Indeed, the animal handling skills of his family must have been magnificent to be able to contain lions, tigers, poisonous snakes and spiders, wild horses and all manner of other beasts well equipped with tooth and claw. And when they finished, did they sit back on their laurels and relax in the knowledge of a job well done? No, they re-populated the entire world through in-breeding. An achievement indeed. But you try and teach all this to the kids of today and they won't even believe you.

Business idiot-speak

I am sick and tired of idiots in business who now believe it is vital to find new words for everything. What is wrong with the English language as we understand it? What makes these fools think that they can improve something that has been formed by millions of people over thousands of years. Now, as anyone who survives meetings by playing "Buzzword Bingo" can testify, things have got silly. Someone told me recently how he had sat on an interview panel, next to the "Human Resources" lady. Now I find this astounding but she was, it seems, crossing off buzzwords from a list and awarding points as they were used! Is it any wonder that it seems to be impossible to get any organisation in the UK to do anything correctly, when the yardstick we use to measure people's skills is whether their can pad out their sentences with such moronic nonsense as "leveraging", "ideas shower", "stakeholders" and other such substitutes for actually thinking before speaking. And did I mention "Human Resources" - what cretin came up with that one? To me, a resource is a computer, a chair or a carpet tile. I do not want to be a resource, human or otherwise. I want to be considered a person, with the needs and problems of a person. I used to be looked after by a "Personnel Department" without ever suffering as a consequence of the relatively simple name. What is even scarier is that, once one cretin had come up with "Human Resources" every other cretin in a Personnel Department jumped on board and copied it! Why? What's the benefit? Can someone who copied this idiocy explain why they did it please. And the stupidity has spread seemlessly into recruitment. Read some job advertisements and you'll see what I mean. I went to a meeting with a "Recruitment Consultant" (what a joke of a title) last week. The reason he wanted to meet was that this "consultant" had no idea what any of the terms in a job description meant and he wanted someone to explain it to him, so that he could decide if they knew enough about it to do the job! Have you noticed that every job description now requires "Excellent written and verbal communication skills." In your day to day dealings with people in their jobs, how many would you say had such excellent skills. I would guess at about 5% or less. So why is this considered one of the most important criteria for most jobs, given that we seem to be producing an entire generation of semi-literate kids with little or no ability in mental arithmetic? This rant could go on and on so I'll make myself stop, with a verbatim quote from a job agency, which for me sums it all up. The agency in question is Fleet Personnel of Bournemouth, and they wrote: "Excellent communication and relationship building skills both written and verble via telephone." What could I possibly add ... ?

Recording an album

Despite what you may hear from the cocaine addled, work shy, self obsessed buffoons who rise like faeces in a bowl of custard to the top of the pop world, there is absolutely no need to take two years to record one hour of music. Think about it, do the maths - that works out at about 7 or 8 seconds per day. Well, 10 days ago, I, and four mates, went into a recording studio with the intention of recording more than an album's worth of material in under a day. Did we do it - yes. We started recording at 9:30 and by 12:30 we'd recorded 14 well known songs (minus any backing vocals). A bit of lunch was had then we put on some vocals, mixed it all and were done by 3:30! Want to hear some excepts? Well, we edited all the songs down to about 90 seconds each (we recorded some this way with verses and choruses missing, others are simply faded in or out). A couple of things I should say: 1) We recorded live (i.e. all at once and generally used the first take, due to time pressure) as we wanted to give a real live effect, not a note perfect, studio edited copy of a song. 2) Yes, we know there are mistakes and bits that should be done again, but we didn't have time 3) The quality on the web is not CD - well, your PC speakers are probably crap anyway! 4) The website lists any cheats/edits that we did do 5) This was the first time in a studio for some of us, so be gentle! Info and song excepts at http://www.clubsec.info/mistabeat.aspx

Olympic update - Gordon Brown wins gold!

In a fantastic start to the Olympics Great Britain has its first gold medal courtesy of Swansea girl Nicole Cooke in the ladies cycling road race. Noticeably, as a winner she is described as "British" - had she lost, it might have been "Welsh." And expect a whole load more medals from the cycling given that few of us can afford to drive cars anymore as petrol prices touch the £300 per gallon mark. A delighted Gordon Brown commented "It is a marvellous start to the Olypmic Games and wonderful for a Celt to win our first gold medal. Obviously whilst our strategy of not capping fuel duty means that every price rise is accompanied by an increase in the money paid in tax, I cannot take full credit for this success and we should pay some tribute to young Miss Cooke who must share at least some of the glory." The Conservatives however were furious at these comments. Their leader, David Cameron is a regular cyclist and, most days, even beats his two cars of bodyguards into work. Mr. Cameron responded: "It is clear that the Prime Minister is simply attempting to claim the glory for a success born from Tory policies. Who can forget Norman (now Lord) Tebbit's famous "on yer bike" speech from the early 80s. Surely it was this far sighted Conservative policy that paved the way for the current success." The Liberal Democrats were unimpressed by either argument since, in their opinion, all British Olympic success may be traced directly back to the participation of Ming Campbell in the 1964 games in Tokyo where, despite popular myth, he did not in fact step down from the leadership of the relay team to make way for a younger man.

The Olympics begin (again)

Well, first we had the news that the games had begun, three days before the opening ceremony. This seemed like a slightly unusual way of doing things but this is China. So, it therefore seems that things might be happening a few days before we get to see them in order for all the pictures to be vetted and edited, if they showed something unacceptable to the Beijing authorities. But now, things are in full swing and we are able to view endless hours of coverage of all the sports that we choose not to watch at any other time. This is why, when I felt lazy yesterday afternoon, I found myself staring at men's gymnastics. There are many problems with gymnastics. The first one is that, to the uninitiated, after a while, every competitor on any given apparatus, seems to do exactly the same thing. And, of course, just my luck, as soon as I diverted my attention to make a phone call, somebody at last fell off and I missed it. Scoring of course is a mystery which I suspect takes as its model the Eurovision voting system. It appears to be perfectly possible for a competitor whose performance the commentators cannot fault to score less points that one whose errors are shown in slow motion and explained by the experts. But perhaps the biggest problem with gymnastics is that it seems impossible to find any reason for it to exist. Every aspect of it seems to be utterly pointless with the added risk of potentially being able to hurt yourself quite badly. Other sports, in however esoteric a way, seem to have some basis in usefulness. The fencers and judo players can defend themselves. The runners can escape from danger if they happen not to be fencers or judo players. The shooters, archers and spear chuckers can kill a meal. The walkers and cyclists can get from A to B in good time. The players of team sports can demonstrate teamwork that could help them work together on a difficult task. But the gymnasts ... At what stage in human history could survival chances be improved by being able to hang upside down from two hoops? Whilst being able to vault over a wall has undoubtedly been a useful skill to some in the past, it is likely that doing so (with a sheep under you arm) is not helped by incorporating somersaults and twists into the manoeuvre. But what bugs me the most is that there might have been a Chinese competitor who fell off every piece of apparatus in spectacular comic fashion - and all the footage rests in ashes in the incinerator of Communist Party Headquarters.

A couple of silly jokes ...

I heard these recently ... I came home today to discover that my wife had fitted a large mirror to the bedroom ceiling. Now she can watch herself having headaches. {This one only really works better when spoken out loud} A rabbit walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a cheese and ham toastie. The barman is somewhat taken aback but, after confirming the rabbit's age, and his ability to pay, obliges. The rabbit eat the toastie, drinks the pint and leaves. Nest day, the same thing happen - pint of bitter, cheese and ham toastie. And so it continues for weeks. Word gets around and suddenly, the pub is transformed from a remote struggling local, into a tourist hotspot with crowds coming from miles around to witness the talking, beer drinking, toastie eating rabbit. Well, one day, the pub is so busy that when the rabbit orders his usual, the barman has to tell him "Sorry, we've run out of ham. Can I get you some other kind of toastie, maybe cheese and onion." The rabbit isn't happy but reluctantly agrees. The next day, no rabbit. Nor the day after. Eventually, the pub returns to the deserted local of before when, one day, the ghost of the rabbit walks in through the door. "What happened to you?" said the barman. "I died." replied the rabbit. "What from?" "Mixin' me toasties." (Sorry ...)

McCain assured of UK job after Presidential Elections

London - Sources within No. 10 have today confirmed plans to offer a high profile cabinet position to the runner-up in the US Presidential Elections later this year. As the person concerned will have succeeded in losing the biggest prize in the world, they should fit in nicely in the newly created role of Secretary of State for Looking after Confidential Data. A Government spokeperson added that "To date, most of our losses of personal data have been small, usually just a few CDs worth. By bringing in a skilled, high profile loser, we anticipate being able to move to a situation where we can lose DVDs - thereby bringing about a seven fold performance improvement." There is however concern in Whitehall that if Barack Obama's inevitable assassination takes place sufficiently close to the election date that Mr. McCain might get elected with no official loser to the contest. Sources suggest that, in such circumstances, there is a strong possibility that the post will be offered to Tim Henman.

BBC to launch new talent show

Yes, amid great excitment for the cerebrally challenged who enjoy watching their lives drift past as they stare at a bunch of wannabees indulging the in longest auditions in history, the BBC announces a new sure fire blockbuster for Saturday night. The new show "Going Thora Song" will attempt to find a new replacement for the sadly missed DameThora Hird. As you may be aware, Thora's departure in 2003 left the Beeb with a major gap to fill. They currently have over 200 slight reworkings of the "Last of the summer wine" script that are waiting to be recorded as new episodes but, as yet, there is nobody to dispense advice on the skill of achieving male domination via combative cake making to the younger female generation of the series. What's more, doctors fear for the health of playwright Alan Bennett who is said to be "word-bound" having been unable to find any suitable receptacle for his emissions in five years. The new show is expected to differ very little from the now accepted format. A troupe of enthusiastic hopefuls will be found who are all prepared to do "anything" to fulfil their showbiz dreams because, after all this is what they were all "born to do." Do anything that is except enroll at drama school, learn the business from the bottom up by the old fashioned expedient of a few years hard work. Concern at the BBC is running high as this is not their first attempt to replace Dame Thora. The first, unsuccessfull attempt was based on the idea that, if someone with a name similar enough was found, it would be adequate to satisfy most of the audience. This assertion was based on the recommendations of a £300,000 study conducted by the son of one of the Beeb's directors. Anyway, the decision to cast former Home Secretary Douglas Hurd in the "Summer wine" role met with failure after Hurd's legendary hairstyle could not be compressed into the required hairnet and furthermore, he was dissatisfied at the econonic model employed by the local cafe in the series - a situation which culminated in an exchange of aggressively thrown teacakes with Peter Sallis. Thus, the Beeb hope that the search for "Thora Hird the Third" will bring an end to these troubled times.