NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
December 2009
Start mixing the mortar Bob!
Wednesday 25th November 2009 saw an EGM that should prove to be one of the most important events in the Club’s history. A year after rejecting proposals to re-develop the facilities, members decided that the new plans represented the way forward for us. The proposal to proceed was passed by an astonishing 112 votes to 12 with a few abstentions.
The new design will see the Men’s Bar smartened up but basically left as is and the lounge bar extended to make an L shape with the new wing extending off to the left of the stage. The cellar moves outside and the Committee room will move upstairs. The new area in the lounge can be sectioned off with a soundproof wall allowing for an additional function room which will have many possible applications to bring more money in to the Club. Some examples include:
• Use as a private business meeting room available for hire Mon-Fri
• Venue for local darts competitions
• Area available for members to use when Bingo or other entertainment is on in the lounge
• Available for use to provide an enhanced catering service with food planned to be available at weekends and in the evenings
• Somewhere to locate a pool table
• Area available for members to use for small functions
The next stage will be to finalise the plans in readiness for approval and during this phase the Committee wants your input. We all know that some aspects of the design need to be re-addressed such as the need for an improved Ladies lavatory. So members, have your say (in writing to the Committee please) and let’s get a final design that will please everyone.
To get the ball rolling, here are a few of my suggestions:
• Extend the stage as far as the fire exit and square off the “missing corner”
• Forget about buying more large screen TVs and get a proper sized screen and a projector for the lounge so that everyone in the room can actually see the big sporting events
• Ensure that the “skylights” in the function room have a mechanism to shut out the light for a projector to be used if required.
• Ensure that the new bar area has solid shutters to block line of sight (and sound) from the lounge bar.
• Wheelchair access to the new Committee Room?
What’s been happening …
Mark Vassie gets horny
“I’ll have a pint of O negative please.”
But where was everyone for Bavarian Night? The band was cracking and it could have been a real stomper with some more people in!
Send your captions to Newslink – a prize for the best.
Sorry, but I couldn’t resist showing you this …
Bournemouth Daily Echo, Thursday 19th November 2009
Entertainment news
We’ve got a number of new acts coming up in the next couple of months. Please, use the feedback box near the wall safe to let us know who you’d like to see again (or who you’d like to see strung up!)
Robin Davis, Laurence and Bianca will hopefully make a refreshing change for Sunday lunchtimes.
Cash Converted – are a highly recommended Johnny Cash tribute act.
If you’re suffering from the January blues then come in on the 2nd (for the Renegade Blues Band) and the music should be to your taste. If you’re not a huge blues fan, they also do some rockier stuff too.
December
Sat 5th Brian Moon and the Satellites
Sun 6th Paul Hammond (Lunchtime)
Thu 10th Ladies Darts presentation (Ext)
Sat 12th Cash Converted (Johnny Cash tribute)
16th - 19th Christmas draw (Ext Fri & Sat)
Sun 20th Robin Davis (Lunchtime)
Xmas Eve Coroma disco (Ext)
Boxing Day Charity Auction with Arfur Word (Lunchtime)
Mon 28th Filmed Race Night (Ext)
New Year’s Eve From BBC Radio – Jason Dean Disco (Ext)
January
Sat 2nd Renegade Blues Band
Sat 9th Blitz Disco
Sun 10th Bianca (Lunchtime)
Sat 16th Movin’ On
Sat 23rd Poky
Sun 24th Laurence (Lunchtime)
Sat 30th The Smak Band
February
Sat 6th Penny Arcade
Sat 13th State Of Undress
Sat 20th Cookie Roadshow Disco
Sat 27th Filmed Race Night
Movin’ On make their debut in January. They are one of the hardest working bands on the circuit doing over 150 gigs a year and with albums available for sale, so they should be pretty handy.
Poky (a requested band) will be doing mainly older music – Buddy Holly, Elvis, Shadows etc.
I’ve seen The Smak Band a couple of times and they were great each time and a must for any musical equipment enthusiasts who like to hear AC30s, Watson Copycats, vintage guitars etc.
Penny Arcade is another requested act and I’ve been told by none other than “Laird” Norman Grindley that they “make a pretty good noise” so, fingers crossed!
Finally, in February, the return of State of Undress. Personally, whilst I’m not the world’s biggest folk rock fan, I thought their mix of covers and original material, as well as their energy on stage were great last time so let’s hope for another big turnout.
Sports and games news
Bowls – by Eric Jesty
The annual bowls match with Southbourne Ex-Services Club was played on 5th July 2009. The second leg was played on 9th August. Once again we won the first leg by a good margin. The second leg was lost, but the total score run us out the winners, so the trophy stays at Mudeford. My thanks to all the players and the Committee for their support. On the second leg, Rob Sellick, although very ill, came and watched for an hour. Rob has since passed away and will be sadly missed by all bowlers. The bowls team and all club members send their heart-felt sympathy to his wife, Jane and family.
Swimming
You may be aware that Derek Littlefair has a grandson, Martin, who is a hugely talented swimmer and indeed, the Club made a small donation towards the costs of his training and competing. Here are some of his incredible achievements in the last 12 months:
• 800m freestyle junior and senior champion at the Western Counties Championships and junior champion at 50m, 200m and 400m freestyle.
• At the Dorset County Championships, junior and senior champion in the 200m and 800m freestyle, set a new county record as well as junior champion in three more categories!
• At the British Championships he qualified for three events and broke the county record for Dorset in 400m freestyle and was a reserve swimmer for the European Youth Olympics.
• The British Youth Championships saw another County record and his performance won him one of only 36 places available in a national training camp.
• At the English Schools Championships, he broke the senior county record for 400m freestyle (last broken in 1994). Martin is also Vice Captain of the Dorset Inter-county team and Christchurch Schools personality of the year 2009.
Training and competing at this level requires a huge effort and indeed cash. If you would like to help sponsoring Martin and being a part of his success, talk to Derek Littlefair.
Golf Society update Oct 2009 – John Oliver
The Society, now in its 4th year has enjoyed some new venues this season. Regrettably our first visit to Dibden Purlieu was spoilt by heavy rain making the hilly course unsuitable for buggies, depriving us of some of our older players. Nevertheless, a good day was had by all with Peter Mountford winning with a score of 40 points!
Another new venue, Bramshaw, the Manor course in July presented us with a glorious course on a glorious day. Another good score by Paul Sadler with 39 points made him the winner. An outstanding course, to be added to future fixtures.
The August meeting was our annual match against Southbourne ex-servicemen’s. Staged at the Iford Bridge course, after some exciting matches, most very tight, the day was halved 3 matches each, so Mudeford, as holders, retain the trophy. After this we all adjourned to the MMC where the matches were duly doused in regular fashion!
In 2010 we have matches against the Legion and the Con Club. Anyone interested in joining the Golf Society (there’s no charge) should contact the Club Secretary.
Football – by Rob Smith
This year we are running 2 teams in the Saturday Bournemouth Football Association Leagues. A new management team of Gareth Davies and James Taylor have blended a host of new players into the old guard that already existed to form a solid first team. After an initial bedding in period, the team is performing well, currently lay mid-table in the Premier Division.
The new reserve team is run by two of the stalwarts of the last few years: Dan Goff and Sam Atkins. They too have had to construct a team consisting of new players and players from last year. The reserves (at the time of writing) lie 3rd in Division 5 and are aiming for promotion to Division 4. This should be achievable as well as a good cup run or two!!
Both teams play at Wingfields so there’s always a chance that one of them will be at home if anyone wants to come and give some much appreciated support.
Training is every Tuesday at Mudeford Wood Community Centre between 7:30 and 8:30 for anyone wishing to impress the squad with their footballing skills. All are welcome.
As ever, the football club would like to give a big thank you to everyone involved with the lottery bingo. This is an invaluable revenue stream. Congratulations go to our latest winner Dick Thorpe. The Xmas draw is currently under way with a prize as of mid November of £800+.
Poker
Just in case there’s anyone he hasn’t told yet – Gordon Nash is the new club poker league winner and will lead the Club’s assault on the regional finals in Portsmouth. Picture the scene as Nashy enters the room, ankle length overcoat draped over his shoulders, sunglasses, a 7 foot goon either side, a hundred-weight of bling on his knuckles – “The name’s Nash, Gordy Nash.” Good luck!
2009/10 charity fundraising.
At the time of writing, charities for the year are being finalised but here are some that are confirmed:
Help for heroes – raising funds for Armed Forces personnel injured in conflict.
The Willow Foundation – charity set up by Bob Wilson (and his wife Megs) in memory of their daughter. They provide “special days” for seriously ill people between the ages of 16 and 40.
The “Buy a brick” campaign to rebuild Druitt Hall for use by many local organisations
The annual donation to the local RNLI station at Mudeford Quay.
As ever, centrepiece of the fundraising effort will be the Boxing Day Auction – open to all. Please come along and put your hand in your pocket – you’ll be raising money for good causes and you could pick up a great bargain.
If you, or your company, can donate anything that could be auctioned, please contact any member of the Entertainment Committee.
Coming soon …
Every year I either get a date wrong or something gets moved – so fingers firmly crossed for this bit …
Children’s Christmas Party Sat 12th Dec (Lounge will be closed during the afternoon)
Over 60s snooker competition – Wed 16th / Thu 17th Dec
Finals Night – Fri 18th December
Christmas Draw – Wed 16th – Sat 19th Dec
Sloe Gin (and brandy) Comp – Sun 20th Dec
Annual Charity Auction – Sat 26th December. Children’s Pantomime Trip – Sat 2nd Jan
Balloon Race (weather permitting) – Sun 10th Jan
March 2010 – Charity Cheque Presentations, Dinner Dance, AGM
Your letters and emails
We actually had a full post bag this time round with major contributions from Ray Watson and Peter Hughes and we’ve squeezed in most of their offerings (less the bits that were, shall we say, rather more ‘top shelf’ material!) So, they can share the £10 of drinks between them with a drink too for Lyn Hastings.
First up, a letter from Lyn to update members on the progress of Nikki’s continuing battle with cancer.
Hi Richard,
Not sure if you are in need of articles for the Newsletter? I though it might be nice to give people an update on my Daughter in Law, Dave often gets asked by Members when he is in the Club.
Nikki is doing remarkably well, she has been very strong and determined and I am sure this is what has lead to her being here 13 months after having a prognosis of 6 months last Christmas! Nikki has raised thousands of pounds for Cancer Charities and the generosity of people has continued to amaze us and it has meant that Nikki, Kev and their girls Leah (5) and Megan (3) have been able to have some lovely family experiences and holidays plus it has also meant that Nikki and Kev have been able to have some, much needed and necessary, quality time together.
Recent tests have shown that Nikki's heart is beginning to be affected by the Herceptin infusions that she has every 3 weeks but at this time of writing Nikki is still raising funds and she has recently achieved two of her main goals, she has seen Leah begin School, and settle in very well, and she has been able to welcome her new Nephew into the Family.
Thank you so much to everyone who has continued to show concern and offer words of support, it is hugely welcomed and uplifting.
Taking this opportunity of wishing all Members the very best for the forthcoming Festive Season.
Kindest regards
Lyn Hastings
From Peter Hughes (all complaints to him please!)
IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY. A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:
A friend, a companion, a lover, a brother, a father, a master, a chef, an electrician, a carpenter, a plumber, a mechanic, a decorator, a stylist, a sexologist, a gynaecologist, a psychologist, a pest exterminator, a psychiatrist, a healer, a good listener, an organizer, a good father, very clean, sympathetic, athletic, warm, attentive, gallant, intelligent, funny, creative, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant, prudent, ambitious, capable, courageous, determined, true, dependable, passionate, compassionate.
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
Compliment her regularly, love shopping, be honest, be very rich, not stress her out, not look at other girls.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries, arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
And, having now upset half the readership, Pete (being a Mancunian) shares his views on the fine residents of Liverpool …
Question 1: What do you call a Scouse girl in a white tracksuit?
Answer: The bride.
Question 2: Two Scouse girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
Answer: Society.
Question 3: What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
Answer: A bus shelter.
Question 4: What do you call a 30 year old Scouse girl?
Answer: A Grandmother.
Question 5: Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?
Answer: To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Question 6: What's the first question during a Scouse quiz night?
Answer: What you looking at eh?
Question 7: Two Scouse girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
Answer: The policeman.
Question 8: What's the difference between a Scouse girl and an Scouse boy?
Answer: The Scouse girl has a higher sperm count.
Question 9: What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?
Answer: Fathers day.
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries? And lots more from Ray Watson
A woman awakes to find that her husband is not in bed. She goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. He is deep in thought, staring at the wall. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
He looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years’".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...
"I would have gotten out today!"
WWII Monopoly and fast food/reminiscences
Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British airmen found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting about for ways and means to facilitate their escape. Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW could go for food and shelter. Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush.
Someone in MI5 got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever. At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort. By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the UK Licensee for the popular board game, Monopoly.
As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross to prisoners of war. Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece. As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A 2 part metal file that could be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!
British and American air Crews were advised, before taking mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square.
Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful technique again.
The story wasn't de-classified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honoured in a public ceremony. It's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail' Free' card!
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. ‘All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could handle it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans , set foot on a golf course, vacationed out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bike that weighed 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).
I remember we had a television which was really a piece of polished furniture, the screen seemed about 6” square (that is 150mm in new money). It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... but milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
My first burger was a “Wimpey” (sic, ‘Wimpy’) however, you had to sit down on a chair, at a table. Then a waitress asked you politely ”What would you like?”
Your food was brought to you on a plate and you were also provided with a “knife and fork”. But the strange thing is……you paid for it after you had eaten it!!!!
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee bars with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the main feature film
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until it started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels, if you were lucky)
7. Peashooters
8. Andy Pandy
9. 78 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Tin Baths
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wolsley, Riley, Austin, Morris, Triumph and Vanden Plas, made Motor Cars
15. Sweets actually filled the wrappers
16. Washing machines with wringers
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-16 = You're older than dirt!
And finally, some seasonal silliness …
Seeing how we’ve hardly mentioned the dreaded “C word” (Christmas) so far, here’s a little song that I knocked up for the band to play last year but there wasn’t room in last year’s festive Newslink to print it.
Now I wouldn’t want you to think that I’m in any way cynical or anything …
Christmas time again
Now Christmas time is once again here (G - C)
The sleigh bells ring and the children all cheer (G – D)
And all of the adults tremble in fear (G – Em)
‘Cos it’s Christmas time again. (Em - C – D – G)
The TV adverts make me want to scream
It feels like I’m having a terrible dream
And the shops are still selling sun tan cream
But it’s Christmas time, apparently.
Men dressed as Santa want all my dough
I’ll punch the next bloke that says “Yo ho ho!”
Shove his charity box where it doesn’t show
“Merrrry Christmas!”
Five quid a child just to go in the grotto
Cobblers to that unless I win the lotto
“Bah humbug” seems to be a good motto
When it’s Christmas time again.
The kids don’t want bikes or new party frocks
They’ve all got to have the latest X-box
And all I ever get are more bloody socks
And a year’s supply of Lynx.
And I must attend the wife’s works Christmas bash
Be on best behaviour and spend loads of cash
Oh sod it, I think I’ll just go on the lash
As it’s Christmas time again.
So I drink wine and beer in copious amounts
And then I set eyes on the girl from Accounts
I slip her my best lines – I’m ready to pounce
Well, it’s only once a year innit?
I take her outside – the air’s cold as a freezer
To help keep her warm I cuddle and squeeze her
Oh Christ, I think it’s a cross dressing geezer!
Christmas bloody Christmas.
After three months of build up it’s now Christmas Eve
The kids are off school and I’m off on leave
One more mince pie and I’m sure I’ll heave
“Huuueeeey” - Christmas again.
The kids lie awake all excited in bed
For some fat bloke to come, all dressed in red
Next year I’ll tell them the old bugger’s dead
Yeah, that’ll save a few bob at Christmas.
Now it’s four in the morning on Christmas Day
I can’t go to bed ‘till the kids drift away
So I slip ‘em a Vallium and think “Hooray!”
A year before Christmas again.
The morning has come and the family’s here
The mother-in-law brings me no festive cheer
I’ve hidden the mistletoe out of blind fear
Help! It’s Christmas again.
The missus’s mother is no Christmas fairy
She’s out of her head on egg nog and sherry
And any time now she’ll start to get lairy
Not much peace and goodwill here mate.
And now the old trout has been drinking my whiskey
Oh bloody hell, now she’s getting quite frisky
I’m off to the pub – this is getting too risky
Why couldn’t I have been Jewish?
I stand at the bar in a line of new sweaters
Once prosperous men now transformed into debtors
Some want to leave home, they write their wives letters
And Christmas cheer abounds.
The log fire burns and we stare at the embers
And come up with plans to cancel Decembers
But we’re all too drunk and no-one remembers
‘Till it’s Christmas time again.
And again … And again … And again …
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx
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