Justice
The MPs are instructed that they must now repay
Some of the dodgy cash that they have spirited away.
They arrogantly stand, rolling out their weak defences
Blaming the rules in place for claiming their expenses.
They fought so that no details would ever be disclosed
But fifty two percent of them have so far been exposed,
They had no choice, the truth was out and so the Police arrived
To investigate the quite amazing claims they had contrived.
Just as we began to think that we had seen the worst,
And that this foul, salacious bubble had, at last burst,
The Police have charged some MPs with what’s amounting
To stealing our cash through criminally false accounting.
And Gordon Brown Prime Minister, the whip did soon withdraw
On discovering that they were searching through the law
For some aged clause that would leave them quite exempt
From the law of the land which they treat with such contempt.
All is not however lost, for if just one good MP
Resigns their seat right now and makes clear the way for me.
I’ll enter the House of Commons before they hold the next election
And I too shall employ the rules of “Privilege” protection.
For if they can’t be touched for the things that they have done
Then under these same rules, I too could have some fun.
So be careful squirming thieves, when next you see the Mace
For it may be heading, at speed, towards your face.
And when at last, all these swine have drawn their final breath
On live TV, the BBC, bludgeoned to death
I’ll explain that these men themselves have attested
That for deeds committed in the House one cannot be arrested.
So if you feel there’s mileage in “Bludgeon a crook”
Then why not start up a group, right now, on Facebook?
When we have a million names, we’ll be hard to ignore
And then we’ll give new meaning to “The long arm of the law.”
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Another poem
The sinking ship
The HMS Commercial sailed off one fateful day
Filled with holiday-makers who were quite happy to pay
For a day’s pleasure cruising upon tropical seas
With factor 19 cream on their faces and their knees.
The captain stood there proudly in his cap with its peak
And neglected to mention that the ship, it had a leak.
Presently they sailed away, far out of sight of land
With a crew who were quite clueless and paid cash in hand.
Well, the morning soon passed by and everything was fine
But shortly after lunchtime the weather went into decline.
The black storm clouds approached and the seas became higher
And the straits they were in were most certainly dire.
With the engine never serviced they could not outrun
The tropical storm that would soon replace the sun.
And cursing beneath his breath, the sad captain declared
That perhaps he really should have got the radio repaired.
The winds closed in so quickly and with terrifying force
And the vessel soon was blown many miles from its course.
In howling winds, lashed by waves and rattled by the thunder
It was not long until the ship started to go under.
Throughout the night those not drowned, they helplessly drifted
The storm began to fade away, the night slowly lifted.
A survivor yelled aloud that he thought that he could see
Something in the distance – the top of a palm tree?
As dawn became morning someone soon spotted sand
For yes, they had drifted within sight of some land.
Staggering from the water, non-believers converted
And prayed thanks to the Lord for this island, deserted.
For this group of survivors things could have been much worse
As the range of their many skills was amply diverse.
A doctor, farmer, cook and an iron ore smelter
A builder who set about making them a shelter.
Not everybody though gave approval to these plans
A man stood up addressing them (whilst rubbing his hands.)
“You people worry far too much of water, food, health.
I’m Guy and I’m a banker and I generate wealth!”
They’d suffered so much trauma and some were still in shock
They believed what he had said and so they did not mock.
Despite the hype and splendour though, some folks’ hearts sank
On the opening day of the New Island Bank.
They soon had made up a mould and minted up some coins
And the banker experienced a warmth in his loins.
The cash was divided with no difference in rank
And the banker used all his share to buy out the bank.
Now the bank was liquid and had cash it could invest
Folks gave Guy their money - as he paid them interest.
And soon the bank had purchased the rights to the little stream
And charged the people a small fee – then he’d keep it clean.
Guy went on to argue, until they all conceded
That capitalism was the system that they needed.
Each person had skills he said, and they ought to be prized
And all working together, well, that should be despised.
So now the population, they all began to trade
Some weaker folks went hungry and some fortunes were made.
The teacher grew quite poor because an education
Has to come second when you’re faced with near starvation.
The farmers sought to get some cash to employ farm hands
So to grow their businesses and cultivate the lands.
The banker, he advised them to allocate some shares
That would pay out in hard cash as they sold all their wares.
The advice of this expert was never rejected
And a brand new Stock Exchange was shortly erected.
Built for nothing, by the bank, with just one condition
All deals that were done would attract commission.
Each transaction had to pay a small fee to the bank.
Some made enormous profits whilst certain others sank.
Win, lose, draw, on every deal, the bank still got its slice
The banker thought to himself, “A bonus, very nice.”
And Guy counted all his cash, in his bank, contente
Whilst all throughout the land the people, they lamented
When you chose to look at it, it did seem rather funny
How they did all the work but the bank got all the money.
One or two of the people then withdrew their cash
And as rumours circulated this turned into a dash.
The bank ceased to pay them claiming that it had run dry
Whilst the nouveau poor simply asked each other “Why?”
“Well of course” the banker said “I do get a few perks.
But if we paid any less our staff would all be berks.
The cash that we held has now all gone out as bonus
And on you, to take good care, was firmly placed the onus.
If you had provided us some better regulation
We wouldn’t now be faced with all of this privation.
The service we provide, it is completely essential
Without a bank, this town would have so little potential.
Just to show you goodwill, here is a solution
Relying upon just a tiny contribution
And no-one here need fear that they will get the axe
Just a small percentage charge, being levied as a tax.”
The people now worked longer, just to earn the same
And the bank took the taxes but none of the blame.
Then just three months later the bonuses were back
No cash left to lend and the farm-hands got the sack.
Hungry, dirty, in despair, the teacher looks on
And wonders to himself how it has gone so wrong.
Guy sits at home, counts his cash and prepares to retire
Oblivious as the people build a mighty bonfire
The HMS Commercial sailed off one fateful day
Filled with holiday-makers who were quite happy to pay
For a day’s pleasure cruising upon tropical seas
With factor 19 cream on their faces and their knees.
The captain stood there proudly in his cap with its peak
And neglected to mention that the ship, it had a leak.
Presently they sailed away, far out of sight of land
With a crew who were quite clueless and paid cash in hand.
Well, the morning soon passed by and everything was fine
But shortly after lunchtime the weather went into decline.
The black storm clouds approached and the seas became higher
And the straits they were in were most certainly dire.
With the engine never serviced they could not outrun
The tropical storm that would soon replace the sun.
And cursing beneath his breath, the sad captain declared
That perhaps he really should have got the radio repaired.
The winds closed in so quickly and with terrifying force
And the vessel soon was blown many miles from its course.
In howling winds, lashed by waves and rattled by the thunder
It was not long until the ship started to go under.
Throughout the night those not drowned, they helplessly drifted
The storm began to fade away, the night slowly lifted.
A survivor yelled aloud that he thought that he could see
Something in the distance – the top of a palm tree?
As dawn became morning someone soon spotted sand
For yes, they had drifted within sight of some land.
Staggering from the water, non-believers converted
And prayed thanks to the Lord for this island, deserted.
For this group of survivors things could have been much worse
As the range of their many skills was amply diverse.
A doctor, farmer, cook and an iron ore smelter
A builder who set about making them a shelter.
Not everybody though gave approval to these plans
A man stood up addressing them (whilst rubbing his hands.)
“You people worry far too much of water, food, health.
I’m Guy and I’m a banker and I generate wealth!”
They’d suffered so much trauma and some were still in shock
They believed what he had said and so they did not mock.
Despite the hype and splendour though, some folks’ hearts sank
On the opening day of the New Island Bank.
They soon had made up a mould and minted up some coins
And the banker experienced a warmth in his loins.
The cash was divided with no difference in rank
And the banker used all his share to buy out the bank.
Now the bank was liquid and had cash it could invest
Folks gave Guy their money - as he paid them interest.
And soon the bank had purchased the rights to the little stream
And charged the people a small fee – then he’d keep it clean.
Guy went on to argue, until they all conceded
That capitalism was the system that they needed.
Each person had skills he said, and they ought to be prized
And all working together, well, that should be despised.
So now the population, they all began to trade
Some weaker folks went hungry and some fortunes were made.
The teacher grew quite poor because an education
Has to come second when you’re faced with near starvation.
The farmers sought to get some cash to employ farm hands
So to grow their businesses and cultivate the lands.
The banker, he advised them to allocate some shares
That would pay out in hard cash as they sold all their wares.
The advice of this expert was never rejected
And a brand new Stock Exchange was shortly erected.
Built for nothing, by the bank, with just one condition
All deals that were done would attract commission.
Each transaction had to pay a small fee to the bank.
Some made enormous profits whilst certain others sank.
Win, lose, draw, on every deal, the bank still got its slice
The banker thought to himself, “A bonus, very nice.”
And Guy counted all his cash, in his bank, contente
Whilst all throughout the land the people, they lamented
When you chose to look at it, it did seem rather funny
How they did all the work but the bank got all the money.
One or two of the people then withdrew their cash
And as rumours circulated this turned into a dash.
The bank ceased to pay them claiming that it had run dry
Whilst the nouveau poor simply asked each other “Why?”
“Well of course” the banker said “I do get a few perks.
But if we paid any less our staff would all be berks.
The cash that we held has now all gone out as bonus
And on you, to take good care, was firmly placed the onus.
If you had provided us some better regulation
We wouldn’t now be faced with all of this privation.
The service we provide, it is completely essential
Without a bank, this town would have so little potential.
Just to show you goodwill, here is a solution
Relying upon just a tiny contribution
And no-one here need fear that they will get the axe
Just a small percentage charge, being levied as a tax.”
The people now worked longer, just to earn the same
And the bank took the taxes but none of the blame.
Then just three months later the bonuses were back
No cash left to lend and the farm-hands got the sack.
Hungry, dirty, in despair, the teacher looks on
And wonders to himself how it has gone so wrong.
Guy sits at home, counts his cash and prepares to retire
Oblivious as the people build a mighty bonfire
A poem
I’ve been compared to Eric
Yes I’ve been compared to Eric
And the reason why, is that
Our styles are so very similar
When I’m plucking at my Strat.
As my fingers surf the fretboard
And my feet control the pedals,
I wear these words around my neck
Like a row of polished medals.
Maybe they’ll give me a name –
Something like Slowhand
And girls will scream when I play
Lead in a massive blues-rock band.
I could have got big-headed
I think you get the gist, so
I suppose it’s not so bad to learn
That they meant Eric Bristow.
Yes I’ve been compared to Eric
And the reason why, is that
Our styles are so very similar
When I’m plucking at my Strat.
As my fingers surf the fretboard
And my feet control the pedals,
I wear these words around my neck
Like a row of polished medals.
Maybe they’ll give me a name –
Something like Slowhand
And girls will scream when I play
Lead in a massive blues-rock band.
I could have got big-headed
I think you get the gist, so
I suppose it’s not so bad to learn
That they meant Eric Bristow.
Newslink March 2010
This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.
NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
March 2010
To print, or not to print
It’s tricky to know when to produce a Newslink at this time of year. With all the Christmas activity, there’s enough to fill an issue by February. But, in the current climate, nobody wants to spend more money than necessary so we decided to wait until March. Then there’s Dinner Dance closely followed by the charity cheque presentations a couple of days later. Yes, it is the AGM next week, but we had to draw a line somewhere and so, here it is.
2009/10 charity fundraising.
On Sunday 7th March 2010 we once again presented cheques to the various deserving causes, as chosen by the members. A total of £4,000 was distributed on the day and this sum is in addition to other donations worth around £1,000 during the year.
• Andy Hack received the annual £250 donation towards the Mudeford Lifeboat and explained that 2009 had been the station’s busiest year on record.
• Christine Payne and Mandy Forbes collected £750 for the Twynham Tigers to buy equipment and pay the costs of hiring training facilities for a number of highly successful junior football teams.
• Sue Bungey received £1,000 for the Tulip Appeal which provides equipment for, and improves facilities in the Breast Care unit at Bournemouth Hospital.
• Councillor Josephine Spencer MBE received a £1,000 donation for the “Buy A Brick” campaign to raise the money required to rebuild the Druitt Hall. The new building will hold 150 people and will available for use by the whole community.
• Finally, Club Committee member (and former Regimental Sergeant Major) Ray Reddell accepted a cheque for £1,000 to be donated to Help For Heroes. This sum is in addition to £854 donated by Club members at two previous fundraising events – The Pussyfoot Dinner and a Filmed Race Night in February.
The Club’s President, Laurie Wilkinson thanked the members for their generosity at this difficult time, the organisers of the various fundraising events and the local businesses who donated lots for the Grand Boxing Day Auction.
Some facts and figures about the fundraising:
The Grand Boxing Day Auction raised £1651.50.
The Balloon Race was postponed to 17th January after dodgy weather on the 10th (the best of the test balloons headed for the harbour and landed before getting there!). This year’s winner was Lynne Renault whose balloon travelled to Dijon, a distance of 686km (430 miles).
Lynne Renault with her winner’s cheque
Name the polar bear (Michael) won by Jo Richards.
Guess the amount in the bottle (£301.91) won by Colin Bushell.
Tom Smith receives his Honorary Life Membership
Finally, to round off a “good news lunchtime” the President presented Tom Smith with an Honorary Life Membership, something which clearly meant a great deal to Tom and was very warmly received by the members.
Christmas Draw
Another fantastic event – just take a look at the prizes!
Annual Dinner and Dance – 5th March
The event was again well supported with in excess of 125 tickets sold.
This year, as a change, we altered the format. We did away with the comedian and used to money to pay for the Swing Unlimited Big Band who seemed to go down pretty well. They also provided a quartet to play some gentle music during the drinks reception.
Guests of Honour this year were Dick and Jane Thorpe, Nick and Gillian Geary and Arthur and Ellen Smart.
We want your thoughts …
Thinking ahead to next year, would you like to see the return of the comedy slot or are you in the group that believe a dinner dance should be just that – dinner then dancing?
If you want a comedian, would you prefer to have a stand-up performing during coffee whilst still at your table?
Gordon Nash attempts to ply young ladies with strong drink.
Finally, as you probably realise, the costs of the tickets is still heavily subsidised and this subsidy has to reduce. What would you be prepared to pay for your tickets?
“What do you mean you want to stand for Treasurer!!!”
Please pass on your thoughts to a member of the Committee or use the Suggestions Box in the lounge.
Christmas Competitions
Sloe Gin
1st – Janet Bate (28 points)
2nd Rob Boulton (21)
3rd Hugh Jones (20)
Janet Bate receives her trophy from the Vice-President
Sloe Brandy
1st Hugh Jones (24)
2nd Pip Langdon (22)
3rd Terry Parker/Jean Ellwood (14)
Darts singles
Winner: Martin Wood
Runner-up: Mark Grimes
Darts doubles
Winners: Martin Wood & Peter Nightingale
Runners-up: Luke Ramsier & Matt Ramsier
Over 60s snooker singles
Winner: Ken Ellwood
Runner-up: Roy Dupree
Over 60s snooker doubles
Winners: Dave North & Roy Dupree
Runners-up: Steve Hill and Paul Meade
Cribbage singles
Winner: Don Tomkins
Runner-up: Gordon Wallace
Cribbage doubles
Winners: Mark Calder & Brian McKenna
Runners-up: Jeff Arnold and Laurie Wilkinson
Snooker
Winner: Harry Fenn
Runner-up: Trevor Morgan
Billiards
Winner: Rob Boulton
Runner-up: Fred Lucas
Dominoes singles
Winner: Gordon Wallace
Runner-up: Jeff Arnold
Dominoes doubles
Winners: John Warner & Don Tomkins
Runners-up: Ken Ellwood & Norman Grindley
Entertainment news
We’ve got some more new acts coming up in the next couple of months, starting with Pacific Heights Disco.
New bands coming up are The Doghouse Boys doing what they describe as “early country with the dirt left on!”
Fast Company do more modern rock and pop with a female singer and the Shoestring Blues Band cross over into blues-rock covering such artists as ZZ Top and Cream.
And don’t forget, the raised area in the lounge is available for parties for a very small fee. The Steward will be happy to provide a buffet and an extension can often be arranged if required. Interested? Write to the Secretary!
MARCH
13th Mudeford Crabs
20th Pacific Heights Disco
Sun 21st Robin Davis (lunchtime)
27th DJ Langer
APRIL
3rd Jason Dean (Easter, Ext)
Sun 4th Bianca (lunchtime)
10th The Doghouse Boys
17th Race night (10 races, Ext)
Sun 18th Laurence (lunchtime)
24th Soul Baby
MAY
1st Des Law Sounds (Ext)
Sun 2nd Sunday music TBA
8th Fast Company (Ext)
15th Cookie Roadshow
Sun 16th Sunday music TBA
22nd Group 5
29th Coroma Disco (Bank Hol Ext)
JUNE
5th Race Night
12th Shoestring Blues Band
Yes, they do accept cheques behind the bar
Coming soon …
March – Election of Officers and Committee
17th March – Annual General Meeting 8pm.
28th March – Easter Egg Draw
April – Frank Selleck Trophy
May – Pussyfoot competitions begin
Club website
Several members have pointed out that the Club website has become out of date. Paul Rogers has kindly volunteered to take this on so watch this space.
Entertainments Committee
After the appeal for new members, Judy Janes joined the Committee and is already making a great contribution – shifting nearly £100 worth of Easter Egg Draw tickets on the opening day. So well done Jude and, if anyone else feels inclined to help out, please speak to Roger Masterman or any other member of the Ents Committee.
Your letters and emails
Apologies for all the contributions that we didn’t have room for this time. The prize almost went to Ray Watson for his fascinating article explaining how a poor Scottish farmer saved a nobleman’s son’s life. The nobleman repaid him by educating the farmer’s son at the finest schools. The son, a certain Alexander Fleming went on to discover penicillin which later saved the life of the nobleman’s son – Sir Winston Churchill. A great story which alas turns out to be completely untrue and was described by Fleming in a letter as a “wondrous fable.” So tough luck Ray!
However, we couldn’t go for an issue without one of Ray’s many age-related submissions, so here’s a joke that wins him a pint …
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
And winning £10 to spend at the bar, Tony Gabb –
Why I like retirement …
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They’re the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
And finally …
Comments overheard recently in the lounge …
An extremely funny (and mostly unprintable) cautionary tale from the President on the dangers of painting (with a paint try) while cat-sitting a rather frisky animal. Needless to say, the carpet required quite a bit of scrubbing.
In the Tuesday night quiz, when a question required thinking of cities that have staged Olympic Games – “Has Greece ever held the Olympics?”
On the subject of starters on the Dinner Dance menu, specifically, the Brussels pate – “That sounds disgusting - pate made from sprouts.”
As Ents Sec, I get a lot of bizarre mail through the post – everything from barbershop quartets to a Roy “Chubby” Brown tribute act, but surely nothing stranger than a letter and some leaflets that stated “one of the most iconic “props” in the advertising and marketing business is the classic campervan.” Quite how this could be used for Club entertainment is unclear – any ideas?
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx.
NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
March 2010
To print, or not to print
It’s tricky to know when to produce a Newslink at this time of year. With all the Christmas activity, there’s enough to fill an issue by February. But, in the current climate, nobody wants to spend more money than necessary so we decided to wait until March. Then there’s Dinner Dance closely followed by the charity cheque presentations a couple of days later. Yes, it is the AGM next week, but we had to draw a line somewhere and so, here it is.
2009/10 charity fundraising.
The recipients of your charity fundraising
On Sunday 7th March 2010 we once again presented cheques to the various deserving causes, as chosen by the members. A total of £4,000 was distributed on the day and this sum is in addition to other donations worth around £1,000 during the year.
• Andy Hack received the annual £250 donation towards the Mudeford Lifeboat and explained that 2009 had been the station’s busiest year on record.
• Christine Payne and Mandy Forbes collected £750 for the Twynham Tigers to buy equipment and pay the costs of hiring training facilities for a number of highly successful junior football teams.
• Sue Bungey received £1,000 for the Tulip Appeal which provides equipment for, and improves facilities in the Breast Care unit at Bournemouth Hospital.
• Councillor Josephine Spencer MBE received a £1,000 donation for the “Buy A Brick” campaign to raise the money required to rebuild the Druitt Hall. The new building will hold 150 people and will available for use by the whole community.
• Finally, Club Committee member (and former Regimental Sergeant Major) Ray Reddell accepted a cheque for £1,000 to be donated to Help For Heroes. This sum is in addition to £854 donated by Club members at two previous fundraising events – The Pussyfoot Dinner and a Filmed Race Night in February.
The Club’s President, Laurie Wilkinson thanked the members for their generosity at this difficult time, the organisers of the various fundraising events and the local businesses who donated lots for the Grand Boxing Day Auction.
Some facts and figures about the fundraising:
The Grand Boxing Day Auction raised £1651.50.
The Balloon Race was postponed to 17th January after dodgy weather on the 10th (the best of the test balloons headed for the harbour and landed before getting there!). This year’s winner was Lynne Renault whose balloon travelled to Dijon, a distance of 686km (430 miles).
Lynne Renault with her winner’s cheque
Name the polar bear (Michael) won by Jo Richards.
Guess the amount in the bottle (£301.91) won by Colin Bushell.
Tom Smith receives his Honorary Life Membership
Finally, to round off a “good news lunchtime” the President presented Tom Smith with an Honorary Life Membership, something which clearly meant a great deal to Tom and was very warmly received by the members.
Christmas Draw
Another fantastic event – just take a look at the prizes!
Annual Dinner and Dance – 5th March
The event was again well supported with in excess of 125 tickets sold.
This year, as a change, we altered the format. We did away with the comedian and used to money to pay for the Swing Unlimited Big Band who seemed to go down pretty well. They also provided a quartet to play some gentle music during the drinks reception.
Guests of Honour this year were Dick and Jane Thorpe, Nick and Gillian Geary and Arthur and Ellen Smart.
We want your thoughts …
Thinking ahead to next year, would you like to see the return of the comedy slot or are you in the group that believe a dinner dance should be just that – dinner then dancing?
If you want a comedian, would you prefer to have a stand-up performing during coffee whilst still at your table?
Gordon Nash attempts to ply young ladies with strong drink.
Finally, as you probably realise, the costs of the tickets is still heavily subsidised and this subsidy has to reduce. What would you be prepared to pay for your tickets?
“What do you mean you want to stand for Treasurer!!!”
Please pass on your thoughts to a member of the Committee or use the Suggestions Box in the lounge.
Christmas Competitions
Sloe Gin
1st – Janet Bate (28 points)
2nd Rob Boulton (21)
3rd Hugh Jones (20)
Janet Bate receives her trophy from the Vice-President
Sloe Brandy
1st Hugh Jones (24)
2nd Pip Langdon (22)
3rd Terry Parker/Jean Ellwood (14)
Darts singles
Winner: Martin Wood
Runner-up: Mark Grimes
Darts doubles
Winners: Martin Wood & Peter Nightingale
Runners-up: Luke Ramsier & Matt Ramsier
Over 60s snooker singles
Winner: Ken Ellwood
Runner-up: Roy Dupree
Over 60s snooker doubles
Winners: Dave North & Roy Dupree
Runners-up: Steve Hill and Paul Meade
Cribbage singles
Winner: Don Tomkins
Runner-up: Gordon Wallace
Cribbage doubles
Winners: Mark Calder & Brian McKenna
Runners-up: Jeff Arnold and Laurie Wilkinson
Snooker
Winner: Harry Fenn
Runner-up: Trevor Morgan
Billiards
Winner: Rob Boulton
Runner-up: Fred Lucas
Dominoes singles
Winner: Gordon Wallace
Runner-up: Jeff Arnold
Dominoes doubles
Winners: John Warner & Don Tomkins
Runners-up: Ken Ellwood & Norman Grindley
Entertainment news
We’ve got some more new acts coming up in the next couple of months, starting with Pacific Heights Disco.
New bands coming up are The Doghouse Boys doing what they describe as “early country with the dirt left on!”
Fast Company do more modern rock and pop with a female singer and the Shoestring Blues Band cross over into blues-rock covering such artists as ZZ Top and Cream.
And don’t forget, the raised area in the lounge is available for parties for a very small fee. The Steward will be happy to provide a buffet and an extension can often be arranged if required. Interested? Write to the Secretary!
MARCH
13th Mudeford Crabs
20th Pacific Heights Disco
Sun 21st Robin Davis (lunchtime)
27th DJ Langer
APRIL
3rd Jason Dean (Easter, Ext)
Sun 4th Bianca (lunchtime)
10th The Doghouse Boys
17th Race night (10 races, Ext)
Sun 18th Laurence (lunchtime)
24th Soul Baby
MAY
1st Des Law Sounds (Ext)
Sun 2nd Sunday music TBA
8th Fast Company (Ext)
15th Cookie Roadshow
Sun 16th Sunday music TBA
22nd Group 5
29th Coroma Disco (Bank Hol Ext)
JUNE
5th Race Night
12th Shoestring Blues Band
Yes, they do accept cheques behind the bar
Coming soon …
March – Election of Officers and Committee
17th March – Annual General Meeting 8pm.
28th March – Easter Egg Draw
April – Frank Selleck Trophy
May – Pussyfoot competitions begin
Club website
Several members have pointed out that the Club website has become out of date. Paul Rogers has kindly volunteered to take this on so watch this space.
Entertainments Committee
After the appeal for new members, Judy Janes joined the Committee and is already making a great contribution – shifting nearly £100 worth of Easter Egg Draw tickets on the opening day. So well done Jude and, if anyone else feels inclined to help out, please speak to Roger Masterman or any other member of the Ents Committee.
Your letters and emails
Apologies for all the contributions that we didn’t have room for this time. The prize almost went to Ray Watson for his fascinating article explaining how a poor Scottish farmer saved a nobleman’s son’s life. The nobleman repaid him by educating the farmer’s son at the finest schools. The son, a certain Alexander Fleming went on to discover penicillin which later saved the life of the nobleman’s son – Sir Winston Churchill. A great story which alas turns out to be completely untrue and was described by Fleming in a letter as a “wondrous fable.” So tough luck Ray!
However, we couldn’t go for an issue without one of Ray’s many age-related submissions, so here’s a joke that wins him a pint …
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
And winning £10 to spend at the bar, Tony Gabb –
Why I like retirement …
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They’re the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer : If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.
And finally …
Comments overheard recently in the lounge …
An extremely funny (and mostly unprintable) cautionary tale from the President on the dangers of painting (with a paint try) while cat-sitting a rather frisky animal. Needless to say, the carpet required quite a bit of scrubbing.
In the Tuesday night quiz, when a question required thinking of cities that have staged Olympic Games – “Has Greece ever held the Olympics?”
On the subject of starters on the Dinner Dance menu, specifically, the Brussels pate – “That sounds disgusting - pate made from sprouts.”
As Ents Sec, I get a lot of bizarre mail through the post – everything from barbershop quartets to a Roy “Chubby” Brown tribute act, but surely nothing stranger than a letter and some leaflets that stated “one of the most iconic “props” in the advertising and marketing business is the classic campervan.” Quite how this could be used for Club entertainment is unclear – any ideas?
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx.
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