In the news

So, the Commonwealth Games have got off to a flying start in Delhi. The first two competitors in the boxing were informed that they were overweight and had to go to the sauna to lose a few pounds before they could compete.

Judging from the publicity over the state of the sanitary conditions, they won’t be the first or the last visitors to Delhi to experience problems in the ring area with accompanying weight loss.


It doesn’t get any better for poor William Hague who has lost the services of his “advisor” – Christopher Myers (25) with whom he shared his hotel room.

Why this should illicit so many rumours is baffling. The answer is simple. Mr. Hague, having been educated in a grammar school, obviously felt left out when his cabinet colleagues reminisce about dormitory life and who they used to have as their “fag” at Eton or Westminster. So what better way to learn the ropes than to have his man on hand to ensure his jim-jams are the correct temperature, read him a bedtime story and wake him up with a glass of Ribena and the morning paper.

What is less clear is why a Foreign Secretary and former party leader approaching his 50th birthday would require the advice of a nipper straight out of university.


The US Government has warned its citizens about the perils of travelling in Europe – although the warnings are being kept deliberately vague in nature. Reading between the lines, what they mean to say is “There is a significant threat that playing golf in Wales could really spoil your day.”


Professor Bob Edwards has finally been honoured with a Nobel Prize for his ground-breaking fertility work, a mere 32 years after the birth of the first test-tube baby. Ironic considering he is the man who has caused many women to say with a smile “Darling – I’m late.”

The Vatican meanwhile denounce him as an agent of Satan for challenging the official line that babies are delivered by a stork sent from Heaven.


It seems that a Frenchman with neither arms nor legs has succeeded in swimming the Channel. Can't say I blame him - with so few body parts left I'd resent paying a full fare on Eurostar.


Finally, a non-topical but true story I just remembered. My uncle had been to a funeral. The weather was particularly inclement and the funeral director was a somewhat aged man, who resolutely refused to retire.

At the graveside, struggling to grip the slippery coffin, one of the bearers made at attempt to grab at the brass handle. “Jesus Christ” snarled the undertaker “don’t grab them – they’re plastic.”

At this point, he slipped on some mud straight into the grave. Attempts to pull him out were unsuccessful due to the slippery conditions and they had to put the ceremony on hold whilst someone went to fetch a ladder.

One of the mourners helpfully added “At your age you may as well stay in there.”