The worst ever soap plot?

Wow, is all I can say. For so many years they were also-rans in the "Producing something that is laughably silly" competition but now, the writers of Coronation Street have managed to create by far the most ridiculous storyline ever seen on British TV. Forget Dirty Den being mis-identified by his own family and coming back from the dead. Forget murdering your husband and burying him under the patio and nobody noticing anything suspicious. No, this is the real humdinger. By way of background for those who have not followed his storyline of utter absurdity: Tony is getting married to Carla. Carla however, is having it away with Liam (her late husband's brother). Tony finds out from the person who later that same day gets kidnapped by her ex ... (forget about that bit). So, Tony decides to murder Liam. Okay, you can accept that this could happen. So how would you go about such a task. Hire some goons to do the hit while you have a good alibi. Maybe. Push him off a cliff (like we thought he was going to do) when there are no witnesses around. Yeah, that would work. There are, of course, many possible methods that could be employed but I cannot accept that anyone, however deranged could ever come up with the following plan: 1) Insist that Liam is your best man. 2) Insist that Liam organises an all day boozy stag do, with timings calculated in advance, to the minute. 3) Persuade your best man to let you scrutinise the plan of the day (in order to know the precise timing of every part of the process) 4) Presumably use a crystal ball to know that in one particular bar you will have the opportunity to steal your victim's wallet. 5) Even better - know that your victim will: firstly not notice the loss of his wallet until you are outside the next bar, and, even better, will (falsely) remember leaving it behind on the counter of the previous bar. 6) Know that your victim will decide to go back to fetch it, on his own. 7) Know that your victim will walk down the middle of the road and that no traffic will be present. 8) Know TO THE EXACT SECOND when this will occur so that your accomplices in a stolen car can speed around a corner (they had no vision of what was going on) and plough him down. Perhaps I'm being cynical when I suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, a day that started with a boozy breakfast, followed by paintball, a pub crawl, a meal, and then more pubcrawling could, just possibly, not be running to time with the split second accuracy required for this plot to succeed. In reality, with all the cast treating their paintballing goggles as optional extras, the first death would almost certainly have occurred much earlier in the day anyway. And Tony, not being stupid, might ask himself what the chances are of Rosie Webster keeping her mouth shut about the fact that she told him about the affair. Pretty slim I'd say. And the fact that the car speeded up rather than slowed down. And the records of all the phone calls between Liam and Carla. Yes, we haven't really thought this one through have we? The natural tendency is to decide never to watch the programme again given the depths to which they have plummeted but now I feel I have to, merely to discover how they can explain away this incredible plot that requires not only astonishing time keeping but also more than a touch of clairvoyance.

Oh no, another ultrasonic pet

It's that time of year again, as we approach Bonfire Night (Nov 5th) in the UK. My dog gets scared to go out at night because of the fireworks and I am now scared to go outside due to the awful, shrill, ear-piercing wailings that are common place most evening. A little background by way of explanation. As stated, I have a dog. Now, if I want my dog to come, there is a simple process, roughly as follows: 1) I shout his name, possibly followed by additional verbiage such as "Come here" or "Come on then" 2) Dog hears me and asks himself whether there might be any food involved 3) Assuming no food involved, assess whether there are any further benefits to be obtained e.g. go for walk, get a big fuss etc. 4) Assuming no benefits then ask self "Can I be bothered to go over to him really?" and, generally, as a rule, take no notice. Note that at no point in this process is it necessary for anyone to emit a noise that would be audible only to bats. My dog, like all cats I have ever known, is perfectly capable of hearing the human voice in its natural form. So why then do people (okay, I'm mainly talking about ladies here) believe it necessary to raise the pitch of their voice to near ultrasonic frequencies when calling a cat? And why do they all seem to live near me? The annoying thing is however, that not being trained singers, these women are unable to reach such high notes without getting louder as the frequency rises. An example: A few nights ago, a neighbour calls out "Tippy" to her feline. This was done in what we would refer to as a "high pitched voice." Being a cat, it naturally ignored her. So we get the next shout of "Tippy" accompanied by some "kissing" sounds, but in a higher voice. No result. So, what does she do now? Well, obviously the failure is due to her cat not hearing in the normal human audio range so she goes for it big time and attempts a full octave rise in her voice along with a doubling of the volume. This in itself is painfull on the ears but she doesn't stop there and extends the shout to "TIPPEEEEEEE" - trying to increase the pitch even further until her voice cracks into a gtteral throaty mush. Now I know that comparing cats with dogs is not perfect but I can say the word "biscuit" or "pussy cat" in a perfectly normal voice and generate an instant reaction from my dog, with no soprano impressions whatsoever. Is it really so different for cats? I feel the need to experiment. So, I think I'm going to record a selection of low and high notes onto a tape and then experiment with any moggies that happen to wander into the back garden to see if either produces a stronger reaction. Anyone witnessing this may be excused for thinking that I am wearing headphones for some audio related purpose. Wrong. They will in fact be earmuffs to protect me in case "Tippee" is needed indoors again.