So a Quantas Airbus A380 has had something of an engine drama. This might have been expected. Airbus Industrie has a strong French element with final assembly being carried out in Toulouse.
One could imagine that the plane made its dramatic protest when air traffic controllers requested that its working altitude be raised from 60 to 62 thousand feet (in spite of the fact that the British made Rolls Royce engine is expected to work up to 67 thousand feet). Expect all the other Airbuses to stop working soon.
It seems we’re jumping into bed with the French Navy in order to save some money. Now, since we won’t have any aircraft on the carriers anyway, this opens up a whole new raft of possibilities (although please note that new rafts for the Navy have been scrapped to save money).
The key to successful military operations is relentless training. In order to achieve this, it will be necessary to practice repeatedly the loading and unloading of personnel and vehicles quickly and efficiently from the vessel. The shorter the sailing time between practice runs, the better.
Clearly, the most mutually beneficial place for the joint navy to operate would be in the waters that separate the two countries i.e. the English Channel, thus providing a degree of coastal protection for each. So perhaps our new aircraft carriers could operate between say, Dover and Calais where they would load and unload people and vehicles at each end, many times per day.
In order not to tie up military resources, they could use civilians and their vehicles for these practice missions and, who know, maybe they would even pay a few quid for the privilege.
Such operations would be known as “Payloading and Offloading” (P&O).
The Coalition would like to make students cough up ever more for the benefits of a university education. The students will, they argue, have better earning potential and opportunities than their peers. From this we can deduce that footballers, pop stars, TV presenters and the like must have had some of the most glittering academic careers to launch their success stories.
But, if we think that having the potential to earn (arguably) more money and get better opportunities is something that we should charge for, then consider this:
How much ought we to charge someone with the following job description?
Salary: £65,738 minimum (more for certain post holders)
£19,900 towards the cost of running another home
£10,394 yearly for “General Administrative Expenses”
£109,548 yearly to employ staff, at least one of which may be a member of your family. Note that they need do no actual work. If you manage their earnings carefully, this may leave you with enough to employ a secretary for you to roger at will
Qualifications required: None
Working hours: Whatever you fancy
Fixed term contract for five years with TV and book writing opportunities and several non-executive directorships thrown in
Location: Westminster
On the subject of the Coalition – some anagrams of “David Cameron and Nick Clegg” include:
“Demonic crack devil and gang”
“Damn coercive gangland dick”
“Rival cock can demand gig end”
“Conceive gang, add mild crank”
Friday 5 November 2010
Tuesday 5 October 2010
In the news
So, the Commonwealth Games have got off to a flying start in Delhi. The first two competitors in the boxing were informed that they were overweight and had to go to the sauna to lose a few pounds before they could compete.
Judging from the publicity over the state of the sanitary conditions, they won’t be the first or the last visitors to Delhi to experience problems in the ring area with accompanying weight loss.
It doesn’t get any better for poor William Hague who has lost the services of his “advisor” – Christopher Myers (25) with whom he shared his hotel room.
Why this should illicit so many rumours is baffling. The answer is simple. Mr. Hague, having been educated in a grammar school, obviously felt left out when his cabinet colleagues reminisce about dormitory life and who they used to have as their “fag” at Eton or Westminster. So what better way to learn the ropes than to have his man on hand to ensure his jim-jams are the correct temperature, read him a bedtime story and wake him up with a glass of Ribena and the morning paper.
What is less clear is why a Foreign Secretary and former party leader approaching his 50th birthday would require the advice of a nipper straight out of university.
The US Government has warned its citizens about the perils of travelling in Europe – although the warnings are being kept deliberately vague in nature. Reading between the lines, what they mean to say is “There is a significant threat that playing golf in Wales could really spoil your day.”
Professor Bob Edwards has finally been honoured with a Nobel Prize for his ground-breaking fertility work, a mere 32 years after the birth of the first test-tube baby. Ironic considering he is the man who has caused many women to say with a smile “Darling – I’m late.”
The Vatican meanwhile denounce him as an agent of Satan for challenging the official line that babies are delivered by a stork sent from Heaven.
It seems that a Frenchman with neither arms nor legs has succeeded in swimming the Channel. Can't say I blame him - with so few body parts left I'd resent paying a full fare on Eurostar.
Finally, a non-topical but true story I just remembered. My uncle had been to a funeral. The weather was particularly inclement and the funeral director was a somewhat aged man, who resolutely refused to retire.
At the graveside, struggling to grip the slippery coffin, one of the bearers made at attempt to grab at the brass handle. “Jesus Christ” snarled the undertaker “don’t grab them – they’re plastic.”
At this point, he slipped on some mud straight into the grave. Attempts to pull him out were unsuccessful due to the slippery conditions and they had to put the ceremony on hold whilst someone went to fetch a ladder.
One of the mourners helpfully added “At your age you may as well stay in there.”
Judging from the publicity over the state of the sanitary conditions, they won’t be the first or the last visitors to Delhi to experience problems in the ring area with accompanying weight loss.
It doesn’t get any better for poor William Hague who has lost the services of his “advisor” – Christopher Myers (25) with whom he shared his hotel room.
Why this should illicit so many rumours is baffling. The answer is simple. Mr. Hague, having been educated in a grammar school, obviously felt left out when his cabinet colleagues reminisce about dormitory life and who they used to have as their “fag” at Eton or Westminster. So what better way to learn the ropes than to have his man on hand to ensure his jim-jams are the correct temperature, read him a bedtime story and wake him up with a glass of Ribena and the morning paper.
What is less clear is why a Foreign Secretary and former party leader approaching his 50th birthday would require the advice of a nipper straight out of university.
The US Government has warned its citizens about the perils of travelling in Europe – although the warnings are being kept deliberately vague in nature. Reading between the lines, what they mean to say is “There is a significant threat that playing golf in Wales could really spoil your day.”
Professor Bob Edwards has finally been honoured with a Nobel Prize for his ground-breaking fertility work, a mere 32 years after the birth of the first test-tube baby. Ironic considering he is the man who has caused many women to say with a smile “Darling – I’m late.”
The Vatican meanwhile denounce him as an agent of Satan for challenging the official line that babies are delivered by a stork sent from Heaven.
It seems that a Frenchman with neither arms nor legs has succeeded in swimming the Channel. Can't say I blame him - with so few body parts left I'd resent paying a full fare on Eurostar.
Finally, a non-topical but true story I just remembered. My uncle had been to a funeral. The weather was particularly inclement and the funeral director was a somewhat aged man, who resolutely refused to retire.
At the graveside, struggling to grip the slippery coffin, one of the bearers made at attempt to grab at the brass handle. “Jesus Christ” snarled the undertaker “don’t grab them – they’re plastic.”
At this point, he slipped on some mud straight into the grave. Attempts to pull him out were unsuccessful due to the slippery conditions and they had to put the ceremony on hold whilst someone went to fetch a ladder.
One of the mourners helpfully added “At your age you may as well stay in there.”
Tuesday 14 September 2010
Newslink September 2010
This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.
NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
Autumn 2010
If it IS broke, don’t fix it either.
I always enjoy writing Newslink but not this time. It has been suggested to me (officially) that I “keep it happy” but happiness seems to be a commodity in very short supply at the moment. Anyway, I’ll try to put a nice happy spin on everything …
As you will all know by now, the planned extension work is “on hold” as the costs that came in were way out of line with what had been originally suggested. So, happily, we will not have to shut down for building work or saddle ourselves with a great big debt.
Those of you who read the Committee Minutes (there must be someone!) will see that our bank balance appears usually to be smaller than our debts. There are very strong feelings on both sides regarding our financial position. It seems that either everything is hunky dory or we’re doomed. Quite a spread of views to have across one committee that presumably looks at the same set of figures???
Happily however, an EGM has now been called for Wednesday 22nd September to discuss this issue at which, no doubt, everyone will reach a pleasant agreement and we can saunter joyously along once again without a care in the world.
Long standing stalwart of the Committee Gordy Nash has decided to stand down from all duties and I’m sure everyone would like to thank him for his many years of work. Happily though, he will now be able to spend more time with his wife Penny.
You may also have heard a rumour circulating regarding the result of the lawsuit between the Club and former Committee member Carl Foster. Happily, I have been instructed by members of the Committee to inform you that this case is still ongoing and as such, no details can be discussed. It is strongly recommended that members ignore any rumours that they may hear.
Finally, the issue that everyone is trying not to talk about – the Equality Act. Don’t mention the Equality Act. I may have mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. See http://www.equalities.gov.uk/ for more details.
As requested, I will say nothing about this until the Club Solicitor has completed his investigations and, thereby, hopefully keep everyone even happier.
Marrow Competition
It seems to have been a bad year for gardeners with everyone seemingly having problems with their crops. As a result, entries were down by about a third on last year. This was more than made up for by the many members who turned up and took part in various ways, made a donation, judged a category or bought produce.
And, as we had some categories without three entries, this meant we had some extra prizes to give away to runners up.
On to the competition itself. First up, it’s the heaviest Marrow. This was an easy win for Ann Jerrard (6.35kg) with John Sellick 2nd and Terry Wright 3rd.
The Pumpkins saw only one entry this year so it was no major surprise to see John Sellick win it with his 12.7kg specimen.
As ever, when it comes to Runner Beans, the name Jerrard is never far from the top, and once again, it was Brian Jerrard who won with his five beans having a combined length of 288.2cm. Tony Gabb was 2nd and Liz Westall 3rd.
The Tomatoes saw another triumph for John Sellick (1.74kg) with Kevin Robinson 2nd, Hugh Jones 3rd and Sandra King 4th.
The Onions were a bit thin on the ground this year although the two entries received looked pretty impressive to me! Kevin Robinson won it (4.36kg) forcing Eric Jesty into 2nd place.
The Floral Arrangement in an Egg Cup (well, there is a recession you know!) produced some really excellent entries and I thought they all deserved a prize. However, there has to be a winner and the judges plumped for Liz Westall with Maria Parrett 2nd and Jean Ellwood 3rd.
Next was the Best Jam and, just like every other year, my masterpiece was cruelly overlooked by the judges. Instead, the title went to Hugh Jones with his damson jam. Hugh sadly wasn’t present for the ceremony hence no photo. Dave Thomas threatened not to be there but was and came 2nd with his Blackberry & Apple with Sue Sutton 3rd (Simply Blackberry) and Mary Taylor 4th (Plum Jam).
Just like the Jams, the Chutney was very well supported and the prize went to Tony Gabb for his Red Tomato Chutney. However, on arrival to collect his prize, Tony revealed that it was actually Mrs Gabb’s entry but she wasn’t there to revel in her glory. Sue Sutton was 2nd with Mango & Ginger. Tina Sellick was 3rd with Tomato Chutney and Mary Taylor picked up another 4th (and another bottle) for her Piccalilli.
This year’s “silly competition” was to produce a Miniature Garden on a Plate. Once more it was Liz Westall who triumphed with a plate filled with specially grown grass, home grown flowers and runner beans and a little man sunbathing whilst his trusty robot did the gardening. Jean Stickland’s ornate offering got 2nd whilst, going down another route all together, yours truly got 3rd (out of 3!) with a miniature Graeme Garden mounted on an image of the River Plate. Robbed, again!
So, with all the categories awarded, this left only the big prize of Overall Winner to decide. It was very close – Liz Westall had two 1st places and a 3rd and was awarded the Runners Up prize. Pipping her at the post, and 2010 Champion was John Sellick with two 1st places and a 2nd. He now has a 1.5 litre bottle of whiskey to drink as he admires his trophies!
Finally, with a splendid vegetable basket provided by Dave Sweetman and friends as a prize, we asked you to guess how many varieties of plant have got seeds stored in the Millennium Seed Bank at Kew Gardens. The correct answer was 27,651 and nearest the bull was Joe Hamilton with a guess of 28,100. I won’t reveal any names but one person, when asked, replied “Probably two or three.”
I’m delighted to say that ALL the produce was sold after the judging and after all expenses were deducted, you raised £128.35 for the Charity fund (plus £1 which fell out of a money bag in my pocket and was found when I got home!)
We still have a lot of people who choose to pay on the day, rather than put their names down on the entry forms in advance. Could I please explain once more, that the more money we collect before the competition, the more we can spend on the prizes. So, next year, please put your name down on the list. After all, paying in advance is half the price of paying on the day!
Open goals
Your President, Laurie Wilkinson, often asks me to leave him out of the Newslink. This can be tricky as, when any trophies are presented (see above), he’s normally the one presenting them. I do try, but when I am presented with open goals, how can I possibly resist …
However, I shall be self-disciplined and not mention about how a certain un-named person managed to shut down the entire world-wide data network of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office whilst installing some equipment.
Also, I will not mention who I was sitting next to at a cricket match as the evening drew in.
Mr X: “It’s quite dark out there, I can’t even see the ball.”
Me: “Try taking off your sunglasses.”
I shall also conceal the identity of the person who very proudly informed me that he had acquired a batch of tickets to see Paul McCartney (and several other big names) in Hyde Park - at a cost of £6 each. Several times we had the same conversation:
Me: “You do not get Paul McCartney tickets for £6.”
Mr X: “I’ve checked it out and they’re genuine.”
Now, I hate to be the one to say “I told you so” but …
On arrival at Hyde Park, it transpired that the tickets were indeed genuine. Genuine tickets for the hire of six lockers for the storage of personal possessions during the gig!
Spot the difference prize competition
Can you spot the difference between the two almost identical pictures below? The lucky winner will receive a prize of some tickets for one of these attractions.
My apologies to all and my assurance that you won’t see their name on the schedule again.
And to finish it off, our Bank Holiday DJ, Jason Dean, has left the country, but at least he did organise a replacement.
Being more positive, I know a lot of you are talking about a Wii night and we are really trying to get this together. As soon as we know we can get the thing to work with the projector and can get the necessary cabling in, it will be organised (hopefully for Oct/Nov). If anyone would like to lend us a Wii for an hour or two, to see if it works, please get in touch.
[Web-only update: Many thanks to the Giffins for a loan of a Wii. We did indeed then buy the cables, plugged it all in and, quick as a flash, nothing happened. The second set of cables are now on order and we'll see if we have any more luck with these.]
We’re going to try an experiment in September. As we have a great projector now, let’s see if we can’t make more use of it. And, yes, being honest, saving the Club a couple of hundred quid helps too!
So, as a trial, on Sep 11th (appropriately enough, a date already synonymous with disaster) we’ll have a Big Screen Gig Night. Essentially, it’s a live concert, shown on the big screen with sound though our disco system. I think it will be quite impressive.
If it works, perhaps we can do it three or four times a year. I’ve got some more concerts that I can dig out and I’m sure that many of you will have too. Let me know if you have something that you think people will enjoy.
For the first one, we’ll have a double feature. First up, it will be an hour in the company of Bruce Springsteen and the (15 piece) Seeger Sessions Band playing foot tapping arrangements of traditional songs in an old London church.
The main event, I can’t recommend highly enough, whether you are/were a fan of the band or not. Last year, Ultravox reformed 24 years on from when they last all played together at Live Aid. With the benefit of modern musical technology, they can now do what the primitive equipment of the day made very difficult. The result was amazing and you won’t believe this is a four piece band with no off-stage musicians or backing tapes.
What’s more, very unusually, this is the entire concert from start to finish with no editing. All the mistakes are left in. I saw the show a few days before this recording and it was staggeringly good. You’ll hear 12 of the 14 singles they released (with this particular line up) as well as half a dozen album tracks that are all worth a listen.
Other stuff coming up …
September
Sat 11th Big Screen Gig (Springsteen & Ultravox)
Sat 18th DLB Disco – New Act
Sun 19th Laurence (Lunchtime)
Sat 25th Envy
October
Sat 2nd Mista Beat
Sat 9th Wii Night or In-house Disco TBC
Sun 10th Paul Hammond (Lunchtime)
Sat 16th Alpine Roadshow (Ext)
Sat 23rd Filmed Race Night (Ext)
Sun 24th Alan Preston (Lunchtime)
Sat 30th Rapport – New Act
Finally, not really Entertainments but I had to put it somewhere. Please be aware that Sunday Tote tickets are now available from behind the bar during the week. So those of you that don’t come in on Sunday lunchtime can now win too.
Alternatively, you could try supporting the Club for an hour on a Sunday.
Sports and games news
The Mickey House Trophy
This multi-game competition against the Conservative Club was resurrected after a break of a few years and our thanks go to Judy Janes for pulling it together.
After the home leg, we were in an almost unassailable position thanks to a good all-round performance in which (if I remember correctly) the Men’s Darts won 8-1 and the snooker boys won 9-0!
During the away leg, The Conservative Club decided that they would concede before all the matches were finished to allow time for presentation of the trophy. Although they did point out that despite losing it last time, we had kept hold of it for the intervening years!
Many thanks to all the ladies and gents who participated and if anyone wants to take part next year, please make themselves known to a member of the Ents Committee.
In the recent Race Night, funds were raised for the Cricket Club who benefited to the tune of £230, which will buy a few balls for next season! The next Race Night, in October, will support the Football Club so please turn out in force again for a great evening
2010/11 charity fundraising.
It will soon be time once again to decide which good causes will receive charitable donations this year. If you have any ideas, please submit them to the Ents Committee (or pop it in the Suggestions Box).
Meanwhile, we have again had a fantastic collection of supermarket vouchers for local schools. A total of 8,939 Tesco and Sainsbury’s vouchers were donated to Mudeford and Burton schools. Superb.
Also, the 19th June saw around 100 members attend the annual Pussyfoot Dinner and enjoy comedian Adger Brown in fine form. A collection for Help For Heroes which (in conjunction with a fundraising race night) raised a marvellous £573! Also, a special thanks to all the people in the Club and the Village Hall whose hard work makes Pussyfoot possible.
Coming soon …
The Christmas Draw – tickets are always on sale but expect to be poked in the ribs to cough up soon!
The start of the Christmas knockout competitions. See the Notice Board NOW.
Eddie Carr trophy (snooker comp using just 3 reds)
Check the notice board for details of the Childrens’
Christmas party (11th Dec) and the annual pantomime trip.
Sloe gin (and brandy) competition (Dec).
Charity Month with various events (Dec).
Ladies’ Night – the planned trip to the Sound of Music was looking like it would be too expensive to attract much interest. Ladies’ Night is therefore on hold awaiting news of other upcoming shows.
Articles for sale
Following a suggestion from Clive Vassie, we will try out an “Items for sale” section in Newslink. Each entry will cost £2 per item being sold. Maximum of 30 words and sorry, no photos. Please place your ad, with your money in an envelope in the wall safe, marked “NEWSLINK ADS”.
Please bear in mind that the Club accepts no responsibility for any transactions. See the goods for yourself before you pay for them!
Hopefully, the few pounds raised will reduce or even cover the costs of printing Newslink.
For sale
Several lockers, unused. Location: Hyde Park.
Bought for £6 each, will take £3.
Contact L. Wilkinson Mr. X.
Club website - by Paul Rogers
The website is now completely up and running. You will find information about the Club, its Officers and Committee, History of the Club, Bye Laws, Newsletter, Message Board, What’s On, Sports, Links and a Charities Board. What’s On – Entertainment (information supplied by your Social Secretary Richard Leyshon), Bingo, Club Outings, Competitions, Draws, Dinners, Fantasy Football, Poker and the Quiz. So plan your weekend to see which band or disco is playing and don’t forget Race Nights.
Sports – Cricket has all the season’s fixtures. Darts has links to websites that have information on tables, fixtures, players and statistics. Football has links to Bournemouth Divisional FA for fixtures and results. Other sports are Fishing, Golf and Snooker. If you are involved in a sport and it’s not on the website, collate the information together with images if possible and send me an e-mail to the address below, I will then create a new page.
Send me an e-mail at website@mudefordmens.co.uk if you have anything that you would like to see on the website. Please help me to keep the pages up-to-date with the information that I need. Also note that you may now contact the Committee via email on this address: committee@mudefordmens.co.uk
Log on to check out all the pages on your new website at http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/. Changes to various pages happen every week. Make sure you don’t miss out on an event in the club.
We currently have 146 e-mail addresses on the mailing list. I would like to check that this list is up-to-date, so could all members send me their e-mail addresses with their Membership No, stating whether they are on the list, would like to be on the list or even taken off the list. The Membership No. will help delete e-mails in the future for members who have left the club. Thank you.
Fantasy Football - by Paul Rogers
The new Premier League Season is upon us once again and this competition is open to all members and ladies this year. The Mudeford Men’s League – Fantasy Football started on the 14th August and this will be the 2nd year we have had a league of our own.
At the time of writing, the Managers we have are last year’s winner Rob Boulton , Gary Boyt, Chris Nicholls, Russell Linney, Karl Stark and myself who competed last year. New Managers this season are Jackie Goss, Leighton Davies, Dave Davies, Derek Ellwood, Robin Lovegrove, John Challen, Adrian Prosser, Mark Vassie, Gordon Wallace and my wife Jill Rogers (I will be praying that I don’t finish below her, mind you I can have the sound up on the television when the football’s on now).
View the page on the website
http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/Fantasy2010.html for the up-to-date information and Gameweek tables. Check how the teams are doing, my comments and reminders of the rule changes, in the weeks to come. Then click the link at the bottom of the page to the Premier League website http://fantasy.premierleague.com/ the managers can log in and change their team (if necessary).
Welcome to all the managers and good luck.
Your letters and emails
Thanks for the 30 jokes received (22 of them from Ray Watson!). They are appreciated. However, in these cash strapped times, if you want a prize, please write about something that affects the Club. Let’s be honest, you are spoiled for choice right now!
And finally, from a source who wishes to remain anonymous …
Sunday 4th July 09:15
In the peaceful streets of Mudeford, RNLI members were enjoying their Sunday breakfasts when the tranquillity was broken by the sound of many pagers going off. From all directions, local men ran to the Lifeboat Station where a call from the Portland Coastguard informed them of a distress call received from someone in a dinghy, south of Hengistbury Head. He had no life jacket, no radio, no auxiliary motor.
On arriving at the scene, some wag in the lifeboat enquired of the man in the dinghy, “We’re looking for someone in a dinghy, in distress. Seen anyone?” The occupant looked all around before replying that no, he hadn’t seen anyone.
After this surreal moment, the rescue proceeded.
I was going to print the name of the person concerned but on reflection, I should Delete it, it wouldn’t be Smart to print in case of a libel suit.
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx
NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
Autumn 2010
"NO WE CAN'T!"
If it IS broke, don’t fix it either.
I always enjoy writing Newslink but not this time. It has been suggested to me (officially) that I “keep it happy” but happiness seems to be a commodity in very short supply at the moment. Anyway, I’ll try to put a nice happy spin on everything …
As you will all know by now, the planned extension work is “on hold” as the costs that came in were way out of line with what had been originally suggested. So, happily, we will not have to shut down for building work or saddle ourselves with a great big debt.
Those of you who read the Committee Minutes (there must be someone!) will see that our bank balance appears usually to be smaller than our debts. There are very strong feelings on both sides regarding our financial position. It seems that either everything is hunky dory or we’re doomed. Quite a spread of views to have across one committee that presumably looks at the same set of figures???
Happily however, an EGM has now been called for Wednesday 22nd September to discuss this issue at which, no doubt, everyone will reach a pleasant agreement and we can saunter joyously along once again without a care in the world.
Long standing stalwart of the Committee Gordy Nash has decided to stand down from all duties and I’m sure everyone would like to thank him for his many years of work. Happily though, he will now be able to spend more time with his wife Penny.
You may also have heard a rumour circulating regarding the result of the lawsuit between the Club and former Committee member Carl Foster. Happily, I have been instructed by members of the Committee to inform you that this case is still ongoing and as such, no details can be discussed. It is strongly recommended that members ignore any rumours that they may hear.
Finally, the issue that everyone is trying not to talk about – the Equality Act. Don’t mention the Equality Act. I may have mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. See http://www.equalities.gov.uk/ for more details.
As requested, I will say nothing about this until the Club Solicitor has completed his investigations and, thereby, hopefully keep everyone even happier.
Marrow Competition
It seems to have been a bad year for gardeners with everyone seemingly having problems with their crops. As a result, entries were down by about a third on last year. This was more than made up for by the many members who turned up and took part in various ways, made a donation, judged a category or bought produce.
And, as we had some categories without three entries, this meant we had some extra prizes to give away to runners up.
The Tomatoes saw another triumph for John Sellick (1.74kg) with Kevin Robinson 2nd, Hugh Jones 3rd and Sandra King 4th.
Next was the Best Jam and, just like every other year, my masterpiece was cruelly overlooked by the judges. Instead, the title went to Hugh Jones with his damson jam. Hugh sadly wasn’t present for the ceremony hence no photo. Dave Thomas threatened not to be there but was and came 2nd with his Blackberry & Apple with Sue Sutton 3rd (Simply Blackberry) and Mary Taylor 4th (Plum Jam).
Just like the Jams, the Chutney was very well supported and the prize went to Tony Gabb for his Red Tomato Chutney. However, on arrival to collect his prize, Tony revealed that it was actually Mrs Gabb’s entry but she wasn’t there to revel in her glory. Sue Sutton was 2nd with Mango & Ginger. Tina Sellick was 3rd with Tomato Chutney and Mary Taylor picked up another 4th (and another bottle) for her Piccalilli.
This year’s “silly competition” was to produce a Miniature Garden on a Plate. Once more it was Liz Westall who triumphed with a plate filled with specially grown grass, home grown flowers and runner beans and a little man sunbathing whilst his trusty robot did the gardening. Jean Stickland’s ornate offering got 2nd whilst, going down another route all together, yours truly got 3rd (out of 3!) with a miniature Graeme Garden mounted on an image of the River Plate. Robbed, again!
So, with all the categories awarded, this left only the big prize of Overall Winner to decide. It was very close – Liz Westall had two 1st places and a 3rd and was awarded the Runners Up prize. Pipping her at the post, and 2010 Champion was John Sellick with two 1st places and a 2nd. He now has a 1.5 litre bottle of whiskey to drink as he admires his trophies!
Finally, with a splendid vegetable basket provided by Dave Sweetman and friends as a prize, we asked you to guess how many varieties of plant have got seeds stored in the Millennium Seed Bank at Kew Gardens. The correct answer was 27,651 and nearest the bull was Joe Hamilton with a guess of 28,100. I won’t reveal any names but one person, when asked, replied “Probably two or three.”
I’m delighted to say that ALL the produce was sold after the judging and after all expenses were deducted, you raised £128.35 for the Charity fund (plus £1 which fell out of a money bag in my pocket and was found when I got home!)
We still have a lot of people who choose to pay on the day, rather than put their names down on the entry forms in advance. Could I please explain once more, that the more money we collect before the competition, the more we can spend on the prizes. So, next year, please put your name down on the list. After all, paying in advance is half the price of paying on the day!
Open goals
Your President, Laurie Wilkinson, often asks me to leave him out of the Newslink. This can be tricky as, when any trophies are presented (see above), he’s normally the one presenting them. I do try, but when I am presented with open goals, how can I possibly resist …
However, I shall be self-disciplined and not mention about how a certain un-named person managed to shut down the entire world-wide data network of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office whilst installing some equipment.
Also, I will not mention who I was sitting next to at a cricket match as the evening drew in.
Mr X: “It’s quite dark out there, I can’t even see the ball.”
Me: “Try taking off your sunglasses.”
I shall also conceal the identity of the person who very proudly informed me that he had acquired a batch of tickets to see Paul McCartney (and several other big names) in Hyde Park - at a cost of £6 each. Several times we had the same conversation:
Me: “You do not get Paul McCartney tickets for £6.”
Mr X: “I’ve checked it out and they’re genuine.”
Now, I hate to be the one to say “I told you so” but …
On arrival at Hyde Park, it transpired that the tickets were indeed genuine. Genuine tickets for the hire of six lockers for the storage of personal possessions during the gig!
Spot the difference prize competition
Can you spot the difference between the two almost identical pictures below? The lucky winner will receive a prize of some tickets for one of these attractions.
Entertainment news
Entertainment recently has recently been hit by a number of setbacks. Sundays have seen one artist pull out with illness the day before, one pull out with illness after 30 minutes of performing and one pull out because of a very ill relative in hospital. Saturdays meanwhile have seen a band (The Bugattis) turn up with 50% stand-in musicians. I have to point out that both of them are superb musicians in their own right but there was no set list and one of the “usual” band members selected songs as he went along. The selection of songs played was described by one member as “music to cut your wrists by!” This is possibly putting it mildly.
My apologies to all and my assurance that you won’t see their name on the schedule again.
And to finish it off, our Bank Holiday DJ, Jason Dean, has left the country, but at least he did organise a replacement.
Being more positive, I know a lot of you are talking about a Wii night and we are really trying to get this together. As soon as we know we can get the thing to work with the projector and can get the necessary cabling in, it will be organised (hopefully for Oct/Nov). If anyone would like to lend us a Wii for an hour or two, to see if it works, please get in touch.
[Web-only update: Many thanks to the Giffins for a loan of a Wii. We did indeed then buy the cables, plugged it all in and, quick as a flash, nothing happened. The second set of cables are now on order and we'll see if we have any more luck with these.]
We’re going to try an experiment in September. As we have a great projector now, let’s see if we can’t make more use of it. And, yes, being honest, saving the Club a couple of hundred quid helps too!
So, as a trial, on Sep 11th (appropriately enough, a date already synonymous with disaster) we’ll have a Big Screen Gig Night. Essentially, it’s a live concert, shown on the big screen with sound though our disco system. I think it will be quite impressive.
If it works, perhaps we can do it three or four times a year. I’ve got some more concerts that I can dig out and I’m sure that many of you will have too. Let me know if you have something that you think people will enjoy.
For the first one, we’ll have a double feature. First up, it will be an hour in the company of Bruce Springsteen and the (15 piece) Seeger Sessions Band playing foot tapping arrangements of traditional songs in an old London church.
The main event, I can’t recommend highly enough, whether you are/were a fan of the band or not. Last year, Ultravox reformed 24 years on from when they last all played together at Live Aid. With the benefit of modern musical technology, they can now do what the primitive equipment of the day made very difficult. The result was amazing and you won’t believe this is a four piece band with no off-stage musicians or backing tapes.
What’s more, very unusually, this is the entire concert from start to finish with no editing. All the mistakes are left in. I saw the show a few days before this recording and it was staggeringly good. You’ll hear 12 of the 14 singles they released (with this particular line up) as well as half a dozen album tracks that are all worth a listen.
Other stuff coming up …
September
Sat 11th Big Screen Gig (Springsteen & Ultravox)
Sat 18th DLB Disco – New Act
Sun 19th Laurence (Lunchtime)
Sat 25th Envy
October
Sat 2nd Mista Beat
Sat 9th Wii Night or In-house Disco TBC
Sun 10th Paul Hammond (Lunchtime)
Sat 16th Alpine Roadshow (Ext)
Sat 23rd Filmed Race Night (Ext)
Sun 24th Alan Preston (Lunchtime)
Sat 30th Rapport – New Act
Finally, not really Entertainments but I had to put it somewhere. Please be aware that Sunday Tote tickets are now available from behind the bar during the week. So those of you that don’t come in on Sunday lunchtime can now win too.
Alternatively, you could try supporting the Club for an hour on a Sunday.
Sports and games news
The Mickey House Trophy
This multi-game competition against the Conservative Club was resurrected after a break of a few years and our thanks go to Judy Janes for pulling it together.
After the home leg, we were in an almost unassailable position thanks to a good all-round performance in which (if I remember correctly) the Men’s Darts won 8-1 and the snooker boys won 9-0!
During the away leg, The Conservative Club decided that they would concede before all the matches were finished to allow time for presentation of the trophy. Although they did point out that despite losing it last time, we had kept hold of it for the intervening years!
Many thanks to all the ladies and gents who participated and if anyone wants to take part next year, please make themselves known to a member of the Ents Committee.
In the recent Race Night, funds were raised for the Cricket Club who benefited to the tune of £230, which will buy a few balls for next season! The next Race Night, in October, will support the Football Club so please turn out in force again for a great evening
2010/11 charity fundraising.
It will soon be time once again to decide which good causes will receive charitable donations this year. If you have any ideas, please submit them to the Ents Committee (or pop it in the Suggestions Box).
Meanwhile, we have again had a fantastic collection of supermarket vouchers for local schools. A total of 8,939 Tesco and Sainsbury’s vouchers were donated to Mudeford and Burton schools. Superb.
Also, the 19th June saw around 100 members attend the annual Pussyfoot Dinner and enjoy comedian Adger Brown in fine form. A collection for Help For Heroes which (in conjunction with a fundraising race night) raised a marvellous £573! Also, a special thanks to all the people in the Club and the Village Hall whose hard work makes Pussyfoot possible.
Coming soon …
The Christmas Draw – tickets are always on sale but expect to be poked in the ribs to cough up soon!
The start of the Christmas knockout competitions. See the Notice Board NOW.
Eddie Carr trophy (snooker comp using just 3 reds)
Check the notice board for details of the Childrens’
Christmas party (11th Dec) and the annual pantomime trip.
Sloe gin (and brandy) competition (Dec).
Charity Month with various events (Dec).
Ladies’ Night – the planned trip to the Sound of Music was looking like it would be too expensive to attract much interest. Ladies’ Night is therefore on hold awaiting news of other upcoming shows.
Articles for sale
Following a suggestion from Clive Vassie, we will try out an “Items for sale” section in Newslink. Each entry will cost £2 per item being sold. Maximum of 30 words and sorry, no photos. Please place your ad, with your money in an envelope in the wall safe, marked “NEWSLINK ADS”.
Please bear in mind that the Club accepts no responsibility for any transactions. See the goods for yourself before you pay for them!
Hopefully, the few pounds raised will reduce or even cover the costs of printing Newslink.
For sale
Several lockers, unused. Location: Hyde Park.
Bought for £6 each, will take £3.
Contact L. Wilkinson Mr. X.
Club website - by Paul Rogers
The website is now completely up and running. You will find information about the Club, its Officers and Committee, History of the Club, Bye Laws, Newsletter, Message Board, What’s On, Sports, Links and a Charities Board. What’s On – Entertainment (information supplied by your Social Secretary Richard Leyshon), Bingo, Club Outings, Competitions, Draws, Dinners, Fantasy Football, Poker and the Quiz. So plan your weekend to see which band or disco is playing and don’t forget Race Nights.
Sports – Cricket has all the season’s fixtures. Darts has links to websites that have information on tables, fixtures, players and statistics. Football has links to Bournemouth Divisional FA for fixtures and results. Other sports are Fishing, Golf and Snooker. If you are involved in a sport and it’s not on the website, collate the information together with images if possible and send me an e-mail to the address below, I will then create a new page.
Send me an e-mail at website@mudefordmens.co.uk if you have anything that you would like to see on the website. Please help me to keep the pages up-to-date with the information that I need. Also note that you may now contact the Committee via email on this address: committee@mudefordmens.co.uk
Log on to check out all the pages on your new website at http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/. Changes to various pages happen every week. Make sure you don’t miss out on an event in the club.
We currently have 146 e-mail addresses on the mailing list. I would like to check that this list is up-to-date, so could all members send me their e-mail addresses with their Membership No, stating whether they are on the list, would like to be on the list or even taken off the list. The Membership No. will help delete e-mails in the future for members who have left the club. Thank you.
Fantasy Football - by Paul Rogers
The new Premier League Season is upon us once again and this competition is open to all members and ladies this year. The Mudeford Men’s League – Fantasy Football started on the 14th August and this will be the 2nd year we have had a league of our own.
At the time of writing, the Managers we have are last year’s winner Rob Boulton , Gary Boyt, Chris Nicholls, Russell Linney, Karl Stark and myself who competed last year. New Managers this season are Jackie Goss, Leighton Davies, Dave Davies, Derek Ellwood, Robin Lovegrove, John Challen, Adrian Prosser, Mark Vassie, Gordon Wallace and my wife Jill Rogers (I will be praying that I don’t finish below her, mind you I can have the sound up on the television when the football’s on now).
View the page on the website
http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/Fantasy2010.html for the up-to-date information and Gameweek tables. Check how the teams are doing, my comments and reminders of the rule changes, in the weeks to come. Then click the link at the bottom of the page to the Premier League website http://fantasy.premierleague.com/ the managers can log in and change their team (if necessary).
Welcome to all the managers and good luck.
Your letters and emails
Thanks for the 30 jokes received (22 of them from Ray Watson!). They are appreciated. However, in these cash strapped times, if you want a prize, please write about something that affects the Club. Let’s be honest, you are spoiled for choice right now!
And finally, from a source who wishes to remain anonymous …
Sunday 4th July 09:15
In the peaceful streets of Mudeford, RNLI members were enjoying their Sunday breakfasts when the tranquillity was broken by the sound of many pagers going off. From all directions, local men ran to the Lifeboat Station where a call from the Portland Coastguard informed them of a distress call received from someone in a dinghy, south of Hengistbury Head. He had no life jacket, no radio, no auxiliary motor.
On arriving at the scene, some wag in the lifeboat enquired of the man in the dinghy, “We’re looking for someone in a dinghy, in distress. Seen anyone?” The occupant looked all around before replying that no, he hadn’t seen anyone.
After this surreal moment, the rescue proceeded.
I was going to print the name of the person concerned but on reflection, I should Delete it, it wouldn’t be Smart to print in case of a libel suit.
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx
Tuesday 29 June 2010
Newslink - World Cup Special
his newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.
NEWSLINK
World Cup Special!
Breaking news
The England plane has been re-routed to Glasgow Airport. At least that way they will have a crowd that is genuinely pleased to see them.
“IT’S A GOAL …”
… yes, for the benefit of England fans, that’s that thing that happens roughly twice in every five hours of football when you kick the ball into the other team’s net.
Some inferior teams, such as Portugal,, who don’t understand the finer points of the game, can get far too excitable and even score two in five minutes or so. Clueless.
World beaters!
After England’s magnificent domination of Group C, having dismissed some of the world’s finest footballing nations (well, Slovenia), they skilfully positioned themselves in second place and thereby ensured that every other possible game that they play will mess up something or other that I had got planned.
So, please check out this Newslink Special to see what (might) be happening in terms of entertainment at the Club.
Heskey problem solved
Scientists and sociologists at Boscombe University have at last discovered the source of the problem that has plagued Emile Heskey throughout his professional career.
Heskey’s difficulties are thought to have originated from an overly enthusiastic nursery school teacher who insisted that when she sang childrens’ songs, the youngsters all joined in with the actions.
This would not be a problem were it not for the player’s hayfever, with predictable results when he gets flashbacks to “Ring a ring o’ roses”
“Atishoo, atishoo, we all ... oops.”
Solidarity
Great to see that, in his hour of need, the whole of the England squad were standing behind Rob Green. Pity they weren’t when the shot was taken.
Your letters and emails
From Ray Watson (so don’t blame me for this one!)
Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him
'Tim what does your father do for a job'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.
If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
Provisional Entertainment Plan
Sat 26th June
7:30 – USA v Ghana
9:30 In-house disco for the three people present with NO EXTENSION
Sun 27th June
Lunchtime – Adagio
3:00pm England v Germany
4:50pm Extra time
5:25pm Penalties begin
5:32pm England players cry a lot and decide which Sunday paper to sell their exclusive story to.
Sat 3rd July
If England win (on the 27th) they will play at 3pm.
Brian Moon & the Satellites will play the lounge in the evening with an extension. The other match may be shown on the big screen with the band starting at 9:30 – TBC.
Wed 7th July
If England reach the semi-finals, poker players can expect some disruption for the 7:30 kick off.
Sat 10th July
Possible 3rd / 4th place play off at 7:30pm. If England play, expect a likely late bar.
Sun 11th July
World Cup Final, 7:30pm.
If England are in it – NO BINGO! If they aren’t, don’t ask me! That one, the Committee can decide!
NEWSLINK
World Cup Special!
Breaking news
The England plane has been re-routed to Glasgow Airport. At least that way they will have a crowd that is genuinely pleased to see them.
“IT’S A GOAL …”
… yes, for the benefit of England fans, that’s that thing that happens roughly twice in every five hours of football when you kick the ball into the other team’s net.
Some inferior teams, such as Portugal,, who don’t understand the finer points of the game, can get far too excitable and even score two in five minutes or so. Clueless.
World beaters!
After England’s magnificent domination of Group C, having dismissed some of the world’s finest footballing nations (well, Slovenia), they skilfully positioned themselves in second place and thereby ensured that every other possible game that they play will mess up something or other that I had got planned.
So, please check out this Newslink Special to see what (might) be happening in terms of entertainment at the Club.
Heskey problem solved
Scientists and sociologists at Boscombe University have at last discovered the source of the problem that has plagued Emile Heskey throughout his professional career.
Heskey’s difficulties are thought to have originated from an overly enthusiastic nursery school teacher who insisted that when she sang childrens’ songs, the youngsters all joined in with the actions.
This would not be a problem were it not for the player’s hayfever, with predictable results when he gets flashbacks to “Ring a ring o’ roses”
“Atishoo, atishoo, we all ... oops.”
Solidarity
Great to see that, in his hour of need, the whole of the England squad were standing behind Rob Green. Pity they weren’t when the shot was taken.
Your letters and emails
From Ray Watson (so don’t blame me for this one!)
Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him
'Tim what does your father do for a job'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.
If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”
Provisional Entertainment Plan
Sat 26th June
7:30 – USA v Ghana
9:30 In-house disco for the three people present with NO EXTENSION
Sun 27th June
Lunchtime – Adagio
3:00pm England v Germany
4:50pm Extra time
5:25pm Penalties begin
5:32pm England players cry a lot and decide which Sunday paper to sell their exclusive story to.
Sat 3rd July
If England win (on the 27th) they will play at 3pm.
Brian Moon & the Satellites will play the lounge in the evening with an extension. The other match may be shown on the big screen with the band starting at 9:30 – TBC.
Wed 7th July
If England reach the semi-finals, poker players can expect some disruption for the 7:30 kick off.
Sat 10th July
Possible 3rd / 4th place play off at 7:30pm. If England play, expect a likely late bar.
Sun 11th July
World Cup Final, 7:30pm.
If England are in it – NO BINGO! If they aren’t, don’t ask me! That one, the Committee can decide!
Tuesday 1 June 2010
Newwslink June 2010
This newsletter was created for Mudeford Men's club by Lware Limited. Please note that most formatting and some images may be absent.
NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
Summer 2010
In-ger-lund Ing-er-lund In-ger-lund!
And so another World Cup comes around and tens of millions of Brits try to pretend that England could actually win it. Let’s be honest, they can’t, but hopefully they’ll have a good run (get the car started Liz, I could be in big trouble here!)
Meanwhile, for those of us who aren’t English, we can look forward to the forthcoming crucial Wales/Scotland clash at Subbuteo.
Seriously though, Ray Reddell told me this week that a request has been made to England fans not to display the Union Flag or the Cross of Saint George as it may “offend” people. Today I read that a mother and toddler were asked to get off a bus because the lad was wearing an England shirt. What a load of pathetic PC nonsense. It could even make me, a Welshman, buy an England shirt! And if you don’t like the cross and the three lions at the top of the page I suggest you get yourself a thick marker pen, and a life.
The refurbishment
The situation seems to change almost daily, but, from what I understand we are now looking at starting work possibly early in August.
Too much of a coincidence?
The Large Hadron Collider near Geneva became fully operational at exactly the time our very own Lyn Stark was “on holiday” in Switzerland. Now, the LHC is trying to find sub-atomic particles such as the (does it/doesn’t it exist?) Higgs Boson particle. Old hat, I’m rather more excited to hear about the discovery of the “Stark Quark.”
Ladies Darts Presentation
Thursday 27th May saw the Ladies Darts Presentation and disco at the Club. Sheila Peck picked up a medal for a 180 and also won the Division 2 Ladies Singles title.
Sheila’s team (Mudeford C) also picked up gongs for finishing second in the Division 2 title race.
The ladies team collect their trophies whilst a confused gentleman mistakes it for The Conga and attempts to join in.
In-house disco fiasco!
The idea was simple enough, we had an extension for a birthday party in the Club. The band could only play until 11:15 so, I thought, I’ll just plug in the computer and do a disco for an hour. Simple.
Having to set up the gear at 7:15 meant that there were four hours to kill before starting the disco. Four hours in a bar. Perhaps now you start to see the problem. This first became apparent when Maria Griffiths came to request a Shakira song. In my state of “reduced efficiency” I was completely unable to spell “Shakira” in order to type it into the search box. Well, you try it after four hours on the lager!
The next problem came at the end of the night and was related to the location I was in. Being almost right in front of a speaker, the noise was too great to be able to hear my headphones to cue up the next song. So, for the last song of the night, I had a bit of comedy lined up. However, as I couldn’t hear it, I was not aware that the PC had mixed up the names of two tracks when they were loaded on. As a result, the track that played was not in fact “The Last Lager Waltz” but a somewhat rude reworking of the old song “My Grandfather’s Clock” but with one less “L” in the title. Fortunately I realised before it got to the really filthy bit!
And finally, to round off this succession of clock-ups, and this is completely true – I managed to fall out of bed – the bottom of the bed (don’t ask me how) waking up as my head crashed into the wardrobe.
If anybody else fancies a go at an In-house disco, let me know! We can arrange for a PC with about 2,500 tracks to choose from in addition to being able to play your own CDs. You’ll have to provide your own protective headgear though and we accept no responsibility for damage to wardrobes.
All I can say is that next time I have to do this (late June) it will be the day before a large family birthday lunch and I am under orders to drink considerably less – and yes, Maria, I have got some Shakira tracks ready for next time!
Entertainment news
It’s not the easiest of times at the moment for planning entertainment. Firstly there is the World Cup and the need to show England games impacts on what else we can do and, of course, the position they finish in their group will determine when future matches could be played!
Then there’s the building work. Some acts are already booked and may have to be cancelled and other dates have been left blank and have to be quickly filled when the start date gets put back. So, we can’t print the usual three months ahead. Basically, keep an eye on the notieboard for up-to-date information.
We have taken a gamble that England win their group and will therefore play their first knockout game on Saturday 26th June at 7:30pm – exactly the time Pussyfoot was due to start. So, Pussyfoot is now on the 19th and the match, if it happens, will be shown in the Club.
JUNE
Sat 5th Race night
Sat 12th England v USA (7:30pm) then The Shoestring Blues Band (Ext)
Sun 13th Alan Preston – new act
Fri 18th England v Algeria – 7:30pm
Sat 19th Annual Pussyfoot Dinner (Ext)
Wed 23rd England v Slovenia – 3pm
Fri 25th Alpine Roadshow (Men’s Darts Presentation, Ext)
Sat 26th Probably football & in-house disco (Ext) – depends on previous results.
Sun 27th Adagio
JULY
Sat 3rd Brian Moon & the Satellites (Ext)
Sun 4th Paul Hammond
Sat10th Coroma Disco
Sat 17th Blowin' Free
Sat 24th Blitz Disco
Sun 25th Bianca
Sat 31st Bugattis
At the time of writing we are waiting for Skyprovide us with a new set top box for the Lounge. When we see what sort of connections are available, we plan to buy a projector (quickly!) and the necessary cabling to do a temporary install in the Lounge, just in time for the World Cup – assuming everything works!
Our Secretary has kindly provided a large screen which will be used until the refurb when we hope to have an electric screen that descends from the roof.
So, please bear in mind that what you see for the World Cup won’t be the finished article but we’re confident it should be good.
If you weren’t there on 24th April to see a band called Mr. Wiseguy – remember the name and come down next time we get them. They were a last minute stand in after a cancellation and I heard several people say they are the best band they’ve seen in the Club. However, they are pretty busy so it might be a while before we can have them back!
There have been a LOT of requests to have Paul Hammond more regularly on a Sunday lunchtime. There isn’t the budget to have more Sunday acts but in future, we will try to ensure that Paul crops up a bit more often and, as of five minutes ago, he is booked for Sunday 4th July.
After England’s first match (against the USA) we will have a new act in the shape of The Shoestring Blues Band. They were due to play at the Club a couple of years ago but one of the members had a nasty accident and ended up in hospital. Anyway, they will play blues-rock by artists such as Cream and ZZ Top, and there’s a late bar too, hopefully celebrating a good win.
The next day, Sunday lunchtime will see another new act, Alan Preston, who comes recommended.
The Frank Selleck Trophy
A magnificent fight back against Southbourne in the first leg (home) saw us come from 5-1 down to 5-5 then winning the final frame on the black to take a lead into the away leg. Alas, we were once again unlucky away from home and lost by a single frame.
The excitement was too much for some …
Asked for a quote, the President’s reply was short and to the point – “Sack Rob Boulton as captain!” He did ask me to print that Rob, so I think he’s only joking!!!
The Mickey House Trophy
You may remember this from a few years back, where we take on the Conservative Club at a variety of challenges such as darts, snooker, crib, dominoes etc.
Well, it’s back. Judy Janes has kindly agreed to run with it and has made the necessary arrangements with the Con Club. The legs will be held on Thu 29th July (Mudeford) and Thu 12 Aug (Con Club).
This year, due to the lack of time, we have picked the players by asking people who are respected in each sport or game to put a few names forward. Maybe next year we might be able to have some sort of qualifying competition to select players???
Subsidies for Club events
You may have noticed that prices have increased for certain events such as Dinner Dance, Pussyfoot (still a few left at the time of writing) and Ascot. Ascot tickets have risen from £25 to £35 this year.
Opinion is strongly divided as to how much events should be subsidised but in the current economic climate, the Club simply could not spend as much money as in past years. You still get these events for less than the “real” price so please support your Committee and Treasurer who have to take tough decisions in difficult times.
Vouchers for schools
We got over 5,000 last year so don’t forget to collect them if you’re at Tesco or Sainsburys. The box is on the Lounge bar but not for too much longer.
Price increases
Yes, we had a bit of a jump in the beer prices but as you will all be aware, the former Chancellor had a hand to play in that. It is hoped that no more increases will be required for a while but again, what the Government and the brewery do is out of our hands. Also bear in mind that we still have some of the very cheapest prices in the area.
Coming up …
Pussyfoot Dinner – Sat 18th June
Still a few tickets left (£27.50)
Marrow Competition – Sunday 5th September
Ladies Night
Nothing confirmed yet but this may well be a trip to The Sound of Music at the Pavilion in Sept/Oct.
Butlins weekend Fri 8th – Mon 11th Oct (TBC)
An 80’s weekend, see noticeboard for further details. We’ll never be able to drag some of our members forward into the 1980s!
Ascot Sat 24th July
The remaining tickets (£35) will be on sale in the Club on Tue 15th June at 8pm.
The cost includes your coach travel, entry fee to the course and a buffet. Enquiries to Sharon Morgan, 01202 484956, Mob 07907 632837.
Committee elections and AGM
Three people stepped down this year and we thank them all for their efforts – Clive Vassie, Luke Herridge and Dave Hastings.
Mark Vassie and Ray Watson were elected to the Committee and following sixteen years in the job of Treasurer, Dave Hastings was replaced by Mike Boulton. We wish them all well.
The AGM passed without any major stories to report. However, I must mention that when the Secretary said that there was a “lovely collection of faces here tonight” – some wag chipped in with “Should ‘ave gone to Specsavers!”
Club website
Paul Rogers has been working very hard on the new Club website and we hope it will be going live in the very near future. Paul had no previous experience of building websites and what he has achieved is really excellent so check it out and give him any feedback or suggestions you may have. See http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/
Your letters and emails
A last minute submission from Clive Vassie has to win the £10 of drinks at the bar for the following timely poem. With apologies to any fans of Irish writer George Bernard Shaw!
Goodbye to my England , So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
(HEAR! HEAR! – Ed)
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.
The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.
At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.
Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.
We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the seaWe're the English from England , let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!
Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK!!!!
Given that he made 29 submissions for this Newslink, we have to give a mention (and a free pint) to Ray Watson. As his total input would be about 10 pages, below are a few edited highlights. We do appreciate the endless supply of jokes that come in, however, doesn’t anyone have anything to say about the refurbishment, the reduction in subsidy for Club events, the Equalities Bill, the general election or the increase in drinks prices?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password,
she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
And some genuine complaints made to Thomas Cook by holiday-makers (you may have heard some of these already on Radio 4 …)
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxxxxxxxxx.
NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
Summer 2010
In-ger-lund Ing-er-lund In-ger-lund!
And so another World Cup comes around and tens of millions of Brits try to pretend that England could actually win it. Let’s be honest, they can’t, but hopefully they’ll have a good run (get the car started Liz, I could be in big trouble here!)
Meanwhile, for those of us who aren’t English, we can look forward to the forthcoming crucial Wales/Scotland clash at Subbuteo.
Seriously though, Ray Reddell told me this week that a request has been made to England fans not to display the Union Flag or the Cross of Saint George as it may “offend” people. Today I read that a mother and toddler were asked to get off a bus because the lad was wearing an England shirt. What a load of pathetic PC nonsense. It could even make me, a Welshman, buy an England shirt! And if you don’t like the cross and the three lions at the top of the page I suggest you get yourself a thick marker pen, and a life.
The refurbishment
The situation seems to change almost daily, but, from what I understand we are now looking at starting work possibly early in August.
Too much of a coincidence?
The Large Hadron Collider near Geneva became fully operational at exactly the time our very own Lyn Stark was “on holiday” in Switzerland. Now, the LHC is trying to find sub-atomic particles such as the (does it/doesn’t it exist?) Higgs Boson particle. Old hat, I’m rather more excited to hear about the discovery of the “Stark Quark.”
Ladies Darts Presentation
Thursday 27th May saw the Ladies Darts Presentation and disco at the Club. Sheila Peck picked up a medal for a 180 and also won the Division 2 Ladies Singles title.
Sheila Peck with her trophies whilst Sharon and Judy support a distressed local man found rummaging for food in a bin.
The ladies team collect their trophies whilst a confused gentleman mistakes it for The Conga and attempts to join in.
In-house disco fiasco!
The idea was simple enough, we had an extension for a birthday party in the Club. The band could only play until 11:15 so, I thought, I’ll just plug in the computer and do a disco for an hour. Simple.
Having to set up the gear at 7:15 meant that there were four hours to kill before starting the disco. Four hours in a bar. Perhaps now you start to see the problem. This first became apparent when Maria Griffiths came to request a Shakira song. In my state of “reduced efficiency” I was completely unable to spell “Shakira” in order to type it into the search box. Well, you try it after four hours on the lager!
The next problem came at the end of the night and was related to the location I was in. Being almost right in front of a speaker, the noise was too great to be able to hear my headphones to cue up the next song. So, for the last song of the night, I had a bit of comedy lined up. However, as I couldn’t hear it, I was not aware that the PC had mixed up the names of two tracks when they were loaded on. As a result, the track that played was not in fact “The Last Lager Waltz” but a somewhat rude reworking of the old song “My Grandfather’s Clock” but with one less “L” in the title. Fortunately I realised before it got to the really filthy bit!
And finally, to round off this succession of clock-ups, and this is completely true – I managed to fall out of bed – the bottom of the bed (don’t ask me how) waking up as my head crashed into the wardrobe.
If anybody else fancies a go at an In-house disco, let me know! We can arrange for a PC with about 2,500 tracks to choose from in addition to being able to play your own CDs. You’ll have to provide your own protective headgear though and we accept no responsibility for damage to wardrobes.
All I can say is that next time I have to do this (late June) it will be the day before a large family birthday lunch and I am under orders to drink considerably less – and yes, Maria, I have got some Shakira tracks ready for next time!
Entertainment news
It’s not the easiest of times at the moment for planning entertainment. Firstly there is the World Cup and the need to show England games impacts on what else we can do and, of course, the position they finish in their group will determine when future matches could be played!
Then there’s the building work. Some acts are already booked and may have to be cancelled and other dates have been left blank and have to be quickly filled when the start date gets put back. So, we can’t print the usual three months ahead. Basically, keep an eye on the notieboard for up-to-date information.
We have taken a gamble that England win their group and will therefore play their first knockout game on Saturday 26th June at 7:30pm – exactly the time Pussyfoot was due to start. So, Pussyfoot is now on the 19th and the match, if it happens, will be shown in the Club.
JUNE
Sat 5th Race night
Sat 12th England v USA (7:30pm) then The Shoestring Blues Band (Ext)
Sun 13th Alan Preston – new act
Fri 18th England v Algeria – 7:30pm
Sat 19th Annual Pussyfoot Dinner (Ext)
Wed 23rd England v Slovenia – 3pm
Fri 25th Alpine Roadshow (Men’s Darts Presentation, Ext)
Sat 26th Probably football & in-house disco (Ext) – depends on previous results.
Sun 27th Adagio
JULY
Sat 3rd Brian Moon & the Satellites (Ext)
Sun 4th Paul Hammond
Sat10th Coroma Disco
Sat 17th Blowin' Free
Sat 24th Blitz Disco
Sun 25th Bianca
Sat 31st Bugattis
At the time of writing we are waiting for Skyprovide us with a new set top box for the Lounge. When we see what sort of connections are available, we plan to buy a projector (quickly!) and the necessary cabling to do a temporary install in the Lounge, just in time for the World Cup – assuming everything works!
Our Secretary has kindly provided a large screen which will be used until the refurb when we hope to have an electric screen that descends from the roof.
So, please bear in mind that what you see for the World Cup won’t be the finished article but we’re confident it should be good.
If you weren’t there on 24th April to see a band called Mr. Wiseguy – remember the name and come down next time we get them. They were a last minute stand in after a cancellation and I heard several people say they are the best band they’ve seen in the Club. However, they are pretty busy so it might be a while before we can have them back!
There have been a LOT of requests to have Paul Hammond more regularly on a Sunday lunchtime. There isn’t the budget to have more Sunday acts but in future, we will try to ensure that Paul crops up a bit more often and, as of five minutes ago, he is booked for Sunday 4th July.
After England’s first match (against the USA) we will have a new act in the shape of The Shoestring Blues Band. They were due to play at the Club a couple of years ago but one of the members had a nasty accident and ended up in hospital. Anyway, they will play blues-rock by artists such as Cream and ZZ Top, and there’s a late bar too, hopefully celebrating a good win.
The next day, Sunday lunchtime will see another new act, Alan Preston, who comes recommended.
The Frank Selleck Trophy
A magnificent fight back against Southbourne in the first leg (home) saw us come from 5-1 down to 5-5 then winning the final frame on the black to take a lead into the away leg. Alas, we were once again unlucky away from home and lost by a single frame.
The excitement was too much for some …
Asked for a quote, the President’s reply was short and to the point – “Sack Rob Boulton as captain!” He did ask me to print that Rob, so I think he’s only joking!!!
The Mickey House Trophy
You may remember this from a few years back, where we take on the Conservative Club at a variety of challenges such as darts, snooker, crib, dominoes etc.
Well, it’s back. Judy Janes has kindly agreed to run with it and has made the necessary arrangements with the Con Club. The legs will be held on Thu 29th July (Mudeford) and Thu 12 Aug (Con Club).
This year, due to the lack of time, we have picked the players by asking people who are respected in each sport or game to put a few names forward. Maybe next year we might be able to have some sort of qualifying competition to select players???
Subsidies for Club events
You may have noticed that prices have increased for certain events such as Dinner Dance, Pussyfoot (still a few left at the time of writing) and Ascot. Ascot tickets have risen from £25 to £35 this year.
Opinion is strongly divided as to how much events should be subsidised but in the current economic climate, the Club simply could not spend as much money as in past years. You still get these events for less than the “real” price so please support your Committee and Treasurer who have to take tough decisions in difficult times.
Vouchers for schools
We got over 5,000 last year so don’t forget to collect them if you’re at Tesco or Sainsburys. The box is on the Lounge bar but not for too much longer.
Price increases
Yes, we had a bit of a jump in the beer prices but as you will all be aware, the former Chancellor had a hand to play in that. It is hoped that no more increases will be required for a while but again, what the Government and the brewery do is out of our hands. Also bear in mind that we still have some of the very cheapest prices in the area.
Coming up …
Pussyfoot Dinner – Sat 18th June
Still a few tickets left (£27.50)
Marrow Competition – Sunday 5th September
Ladies Night
Nothing confirmed yet but this may well be a trip to The Sound of Music at the Pavilion in Sept/Oct.
Butlins weekend Fri 8th – Mon 11th Oct (TBC)
An 80’s weekend, see noticeboard for further details. We’ll never be able to drag some of our members forward into the 1980s!
Ascot Sat 24th July
The remaining tickets (£35) will be on sale in the Club on Tue 15th June at 8pm.
The cost includes your coach travel, entry fee to the course and a buffet. Enquiries to Sharon Morgan, 01202 484956, Mob 07907 632837.
Committee elections and AGM
Three people stepped down this year and we thank them all for their efforts – Clive Vassie, Luke Herridge and Dave Hastings.
Mark Vassie and Ray Watson were elected to the Committee and following sixteen years in the job of Treasurer, Dave Hastings was replaced by Mike Boulton. We wish them all well.
The AGM passed without any major stories to report. However, I must mention that when the Secretary said that there was a “lovely collection of faces here tonight” – some wag chipped in with “Should ‘ave gone to Specsavers!”
Club website
Paul Rogers has been working very hard on the new Club website and we hope it will be going live in the very near future. Paul had no previous experience of building websites and what he has achieved is really excellent so check it out and give him any feedback or suggestions you may have. See http://www.mudefordmens.co.uk/
Your letters and emails
A last minute submission from Clive Vassie has to win the £10 of drinks at the bar for the following timely poem. With apologies to any fans of Irish writer George Bernard Shaw!
Goodbye to my England , So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
(HEAR! HEAR! – Ed)
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.
The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.
At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.
Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.
We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the seaWe're the English from England , let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!
Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK!!!!
Given that he made 29 submissions for this Newslink, we have to give a mention (and a free pint) to Ray Watson. As his total input would be about 10 pages, below are a few edited highlights. We do appreciate the endless supply of jokes that come in, however, doesn’t anyone have anything to say about the refurbishment, the reduction in subsidy for Club events, the Equalities Bill, the general election or the increase in drinks prices?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password,
she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
And some genuine complaints made to Thomas Cook by holiday-makers (you may have heard some of these already on Radio 4 …)
"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
"The beach was too sandy."
"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"
"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."
"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxxxxxxxxx.
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