Newslink - World Cup Special

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NEWSLINK
World Cup Special!

Breaking news

The England plane has been re-routed to Glasgow Airport. At least that way they will have a crowd that is genuinely pleased to see them.

“IT’S A GOAL …”
… yes, for the benefit of England fans, that’s that thing that happens roughly twice in every five hours of football when you kick the ball into the other team’s net.

Some inferior teams, such as Portugal,, who don’t understand the finer points of the game, can get far too excitable and even score two in five minutes or so. Clueless.


World beaters!

After England’s magnificent domination of Group C, having dismissed some of the world’s finest footballing nations (well, Slovenia), they skilfully positioned themselves in second place and thereby ensured that every other possible game that they play will mess up something or other that I had got planned.

So, please check out this Newslink Special to see what (might) be happening in terms of entertainment at the Club.


Heskey problem solved

Scientists and sociologists at Boscombe University have at last discovered the source of the problem that has plagued Emile Heskey throughout his professional career.

Heskey’s difficulties are thought to have originated from an overly enthusiastic nursery school teacher who insisted that when she sang childrens’ songs, the youngsters all joined in with the actions.

This would not be a problem were it not for the player’s hayfever, with predictable results when he gets flashbacks to “Ring a ring o’ roses”

“Atishoo, atishoo, we all ... oops.”


Solidarity

Great to see that, in his hour of need, the whole of the England squad were standing behind Rob Green. Pity they weren’t when the shot was taken.


Your letters and emails

From Ray Watson (so don’t blame me for this one!)

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him

'Tim what does your father do for a job'

"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.

If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.”



Provisional Entertainment Plan

Sat 26th June


7:30 – USA v Ghana
9:30 In-house disco for the three people present with NO EXTENSION



Sun 27th June

Lunchtime – Adagio
3:00pm England v Germany
4:50pm Extra time
5:25pm Penalties begin
5:32pm England players cry a lot and decide which Sunday paper to sell their exclusive story to.



Sat 3rd July

If England win (on the 27th) they will play at 3pm.
Brian Moon & the Satellites will play the lounge in the evening with an extension. The other match may be shown on the big screen with the band starting at 9:30 – TBC.


Wed 7th July

If England reach the semi-finals, poker players can expect some disruption for the 7:30 kick off.


Sat 10th July

Possible 3rd / 4th place play off at 7:30pm. If England play, expect a likely late bar.



Sun 11th July

World Cup Final, 7:30pm.


If England are in it – NO BINGO! If they aren’t, don’t ask me! That one, the Committee can decide!