The worst ever soap plot?

Wow, is all I can say. For so many years they were also-rans in the "Producing something that is laughably silly" competition but now, the writers of Coronation Street have managed to create by far the most ridiculous storyline ever seen on British TV. Forget Dirty Den being mis-identified by his own family and coming back from the dead. Forget murdering your husband and burying him under the patio and nobody noticing anything suspicious. No, this is the real humdinger. By way of background for those who have not followed his storyline of utter absurdity: Tony is getting married to Carla. Carla however, is having it away with Liam (her late husband's brother). Tony finds out from the person who later that same day gets kidnapped by her ex ... (forget about that bit). So, Tony decides to murder Liam. Okay, you can accept that this could happen. So how would you go about such a task. Hire some goons to do the hit while you have a good alibi. Maybe. Push him off a cliff (like we thought he was going to do) when there are no witnesses around. Yeah, that would work. There are, of course, many possible methods that could be employed but I cannot accept that anyone, however deranged could ever come up with the following plan: 1) Insist that Liam is your best man. 2) Insist that Liam organises an all day boozy stag do, with timings calculated in advance, to the minute. 3) Persuade your best man to let you scrutinise the plan of the day (in order to know the precise timing of every part of the process) 4) Presumably use a crystal ball to know that in one particular bar you will have the opportunity to steal your victim's wallet. 5) Even better - know that your victim will: firstly not notice the loss of his wallet until you are outside the next bar, and, even better, will (falsely) remember leaving it behind on the counter of the previous bar. 6) Know that your victim will decide to go back to fetch it, on his own. 7) Know that your victim will walk down the middle of the road and that no traffic will be present. 8) Know TO THE EXACT SECOND when this will occur so that your accomplices in a stolen car can speed around a corner (they had no vision of what was going on) and plough him down. Perhaps I'm being cynical when I suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, a day that started with a boozy breakfast, followed by paintball, a pub crawl, a meal, and then more pubcrawling could, just possibly, not be running to time with the split second accuracy required for this plot to succeed. In reality, with all the cast treating their paintballing goggles as optional extras, the first death would almost certainly have occurred much earlier in the day anyway. And Tony, not being stupid, might ask himself what the chances are of Rosie Webster keeping her mouth shut about the fact that she told him about the affair. Pretty slim I'd say. And the fact that the car speeded up rather than slowed down. And the records of all the phone calls between Liam and Carla. Yes, we haven't really thought this one through have we? The natural tendency is to decide never to watch the programme again given the depths to which they have plummeted but now I feel I have to, merely to discover how they can explain away this incredible plot that requires not only astonishing time keeping but also more than a touch of clairvoyance.

Oh no, another ultrasonic pet

It's that time of year again, as we approach Bonfire Night (Nov 5th) in the UK. My dog gets scared to go out at night because of the fireworks and I am now scared to go outside due to the awful, shrill, ear-piercing wailings that are common place most evening. A little background by way of explanation. As stated, I have a dog. Now, if I want my dog to come, there is a simple process, roughly as follows: 1) I shout his name, possibly followed by additional verbiage such as "Come here" or "Come on then" 2) Dog hears me and asks himself whether there might be any food involved 3) Assuming no food involved, assess whether there are any further benefits to be obtained e.g. go for walk, get a big fuss etc. 4) Assuming no benefits then ask self "Can I be bothered to go over to him really?" and, generally, as a rule, take no notice. Note that at no point in this process is it necessary for anyone to emit a noise that would be audible only to bats. My dog, like all cats I have ever known, is perfectly capable of hearing the human voice in its natural form. So why then do people (okay, I'm mainly talking about ladies here) believe it necessary to raise the pitch of their voice to near ultrasonic frequencies when calling a cat? And why do they all seem to live near me? The annoying thing is however, that not being trained singers, these women are unable to reach such high notes without getting louder as the frequency rises. An example: A few nights ago, a neighbour calls out "Tippy" to her feline. This was done in what we would refer to as a "high pitched voice." Being a cat, it naturally ignored her. So we get the next shout of "Tippy" accompanied by some "kissing" sounds, but in a higher voice. No result. So, what does she do now? Well, obviously the failure is due to her cat not hearing in the normal human audio range so she goes for it big time and attempts a full octave rise in her voice along with a doubling of the volume. This in itself is painfull on the ears but she doesn't stop there and extends the shout to "TIPPEEEEEEE" - trying to increase the pitch even further until her voice cracks into a gtteral throaty mush. Now I know that comparing cats with dogs is not perfect but I can say the word "biscuit" or "pussy cat" in a perfectly normal voice and generate an instant reaction from my dog, with no soprano impressions whatsoever. Is it really so different for cats? I feel the need to experiment. So, I think I'm going to record a selection of low and high notes onto a tape and then experiment with any moggies that happen to wander into the back garden to see if either produces a stronger reaction. Anyone witnessing this may be excused for thinking that I am wearing headphones for some audio related purpose. Wrong. They will in fact be earmuffs to protect me in case "Tippee" is needed indoors again.

Catching up with things

Sorry, it's been a while and there were a lot of things I meant to rant about, but didn't have the time. So, I'll try and remember some then probably get into the "credit crunch." Well, first up, dumb, inbred animals and their dogs. About three or four week ago, we had the shocking programme (was it Panorama?) detailing the appalling way dog breeders have engineered species of pedigree dogs to conform to some idiotic model shape that they have decided is good. Unfortunately, most of these "perfect" shapes involve terrible cruelty to the animals. The list was endless - Cavalier King Charles spaniels - over half have a serious heart murmur by the age of four. But that's not all. They have been bred to have small heads, which are often too small to hold their brain. So some of the poor beasts have a brain being crushed against the inside of the skull, with some predictable, but nevertheless disturbing effects. Pugs and boxers with breathing difficulty, German Shepherds with arthritic hips and deformed legs that make them walk on tip toe. Normal, healthy puppies are killed if they don't conform to the arbitrary rules for how it should look. The best bit, the arrogant, tweed skirt wearing brigade who, by virtue of being dog breeders, clearly think that their knowledge was far better than that provided by the head vet of the RSPCA and genetics professor Steve Jones. Even when confronted with physical evidence of the changes to breeds over a hundred years or so (skeletons and photos) - they could still adamantly deny what was in front of their eyes! Well, today, good news. The RSPCA is to withdraw its support of the Crufts show and hopefully this will be the snowflake that begins the avalanche that will destroy the Kennel Club in its current form and make pariahs of the cruel, mindless monsters have perpetrate this abuse of animal in every way their superiors. And if Gordon Brown wants to do something to make himself popular, he could do worse than give them 12 months to put their house in order. After that, start locking people up. No subtle links here, I'm just going onto the next thing that I can remember, and it's the Olympics again. Specifically, the 7 minutes that the UK contributed to the closing ceremony. How exactly did the thinking go, I wonder. It must have been rather like the Nat West TV ads. "Right, we got Jimmy Page. We've agreed that he'll do 'Whole lotta love.' So, who's going to sing it? "Could we get Robert Plant?" "What!? Robert Plant! Are you mad? Why on earth would we want a revered rock singer who made the song famous to perform it with his band mate? Obviously, what we need here is some bird off a talent show." So there you have it, some bird whose name I can't remember is better than Robert Plant, and that's official. Now, I can't wait for the opening ceremony in London (probably in Wembley 'cos the stadium won't be ready). I can't wait for Will Young's version of 'Smoke on the water' followed by Gareth Gates demonstrating to Roger Daltrey exactly how 'My G - G - G - Generation' should be sung. Memory fails me regarding the other stuff that has annoyed me recently, so we'll have a quick rant about the credit crunch. So, good news today, some bank has gone bankrupt. Shame for the innocent members of staff but at least a bit of shame for the cretins who run these organisations, buying and selling rights for packages of benefits derived from selling other packages of benefits derived from someone, somewhere actually producing something useful. If a news report tonight is to be believed, the bank in question may not be able to pay this year's bonuses to their staff. A mere £200k per head, on average. They are buffoons and we are well rid of them, but, as ever, it is the man in the street who suffers. But why? As far as I know, there are no massive crop failures or shortages of oil. All the raw materials we need to live are still there, pretty much as before. Now, banks have lent money to people who can't pay it back, and this, we are told is the root of the problem. Gobshite. If the borrowers can't pay, the bank repossesses the house and sells it. If, for any reason this is not possible, the banks have insurance against bad debts. So, ask yourself one question - WHERE HAS ALL THE MONEY GONE TO? WHO'S GOT IT? Could it possibly be the people on the massive bonuses who can take the money and run when the financial institution collapses? Someone has it, the money hasn't disappeared into thin air and the crops and the oil are still being produced so why should there be a problem? Please, someone explain it all to me ...

The world's greatest sailor / navigator / biologist

As it's a Sunday, let us pay tribute to a biblical character whose achievements have been so overlooked. One could mention his longevity - he lived to over 900, or the fact that he invented wine. Today however, we shall focus on the most famous achievement of Noah, the man without whom we would have no land animals alive today. The first great achievment is the obvious one. Building a boat large enough to house between two and seven of every land animal in existence as well as enough food to keep them alive for many months. Now, many thousands of years later, the human race, all six billion of it, still hasn't been able to discover and catalogue all of these animals - and it is quite a straightforward process, in places such as the Amazon rainforest, to discover a new species. But Noah, he got the lot and presumably a few others that have since died out. But the often overlooked skill of Noah and his family is their prodigious ship building ability. After all, they would have to have sent vessels to all parts of the Earth to collect the native species and return them to Noah. Then, after the waters had subsided, take them back to the appropriate part of the world. Given the limited time available, his family must have been amongst the most efficient workers ever to have lived, just to build the sea going vessels capable of such a task. And, of course, the history books must be re-written in terms of seamanship and exploration. It now beomes clear that a member of the Noah family must, by definition, have discovered most of the places on Earth, since they rescued and then returned the native species to them. The planning operation must have required great foresight as Noah's family would have to devise a method of exploring pretty much the whole of the Earth's surface, so as not to miss anything. This is made all the more impressive since, by definition, he must therefore also have been the one to discover that the Earth is round. The insight was amazing, imagine as he instructed his sons to head for the polar regions, as yet undiscovered on the off chance there might be some land there and to bring back what he found. One imagines that the penguins were met with rather more enthusiasm than the polar bears. Indeed, the animal handling skills of his family must have been magnificent to be able to contain lions, tigers, poisonous snakes and spiders, wild horses and all manner of other beasts well equipped with tooth and claw. And when they finished, did they sit back on their laurels and relax in the knowledge of a job well done? No, they re-populated the entire world through in-breeding. An achievement indeed. But you try and teach all this to the kids of today and they won't even believe you.

Business idiot-speak

I am sick and tired of idiots in business who now believe it is vital to find new words for everything. What is wrong with the English language as we understand it? What makes these fools think that they can improve something that has been formed by millions of people over thousands of years. Now, as anyone who survives meetings by playing "Buzzword Bingo" can testify, things have got silly. Someone told me recently how he had sat on an interview panel, next to the "Human Resources" lady. Now I find this astounding but she was, it seems, crossing off buzzwords from a list and awarding points as they were used! Is it any wonder that it seems to be impossible to get any organisation in the UK to do anything correctly, when the yardstick we use to measure people's skills is whether their can pad out their sentences with such moronic nonsense as "leveraging", "ideas shower", "stakeholders" and other such substitutes for actually thinking before speaking. And did I mention "Human Resources" - what cretin came up with that one? To me, a resource is a computer, a chair or a carpet tile. I do not want to be a resource, human or otherwise. I want to be considered a person, with the needs and problems of a person. I used to be looked after by a "Personnel Department" without ever suffering as a consequence of the relatively simple name. What is even scarier is that, once one cretin had come up with "Human Resources" every other cretin in a Personnel Department jumped on board and copied it! Why? What's the benefit? Can someone who copied this idiocy explain why they did it please. And the stupidity has spread seemlessly into recruitment. Read some job advertisements and you'll see what I mean. I went to a meeting with a "Recruitment Consultant" (what a joke of a title) last week. The reason he wanted to meet was that this "consultant" had no idea what any of the terms in a job description meant and he wanted someone to explain it to him, so that he could decide if they knew enough about it to do the job! Have you noticed that every job description now requires "Excellent written and verbal communication skills." In your day to day dealings with people in their jobs, how many would you say had such excellent skills. I would guess at about 5% or less. So why is this considered one of the most important criteria for most jobs, given that we seem to be producing an entire generation of semi-literate kids with little or no ability in mental arithmetic? This rant could go on and on so I'll make myself stop, with a verbatim quote from a job agency, which for me sums it all up. The agency in question is Fleet Personnel of Bournemouth, and they wrote: "Excellent communication and relationship building skills both written and verble via telephone." What could I possibly add ... ?

Recording an album

Despite what you may hear from the cocaine addled, work shy, self obsessed buffoons who rise like faeces in a bowl of custard to the top of the pop world, there is absolutely no need to take two years to record one hour of music. Think about it, do the maths - that works out at about 7 or 8 seconds per day. Well, 10 days ago, I, and four mates, went into a recording studio with the intention of recording more than an album's worth of material in under a day. Did we do it - yes. We started recording at 9:30 and by 12:30 we'd recorded 14 well known songs (minus any backing vocals). A bit of lunch was had then we put on some vocals, mixed it all and were done by 3:30! Want to hear some excepts? Well, we edited all the songs down to about 90 seconds each (we recorded some this way with verses and choruses missing, others are simply faded in or out). A couple of things I should say: 1) We recorded live (i.e. all at once and generally used the first take, due to time pressure) as we wanted to give a real live effect, not a note perfect, studio edited copy of a song. 2) Yes, we know there are mistakes and bits that should be done again, but we didn't have time 3) The quality on the web is not CD - well, your PC speakers are probably crap anyway! 4) The website lists any cheats/edits that we did do 5) This was the first time in a studio for some of us, so be gentle! Info and song excepts at http://www.clubsec.info/mistabeat.aspx

Olympic update - Gordon Brown wins gold!

In a fantastic start to the Olympics Great Britain has its first gold medal courtesy of Swansea girl Nicole Cooke in the ladies cycling road race. Noticeably, as a winner she is described as "British" - had she lost, it might have been "Welsh." And expect a whole load more medals from the cycling given that few of us can afford to drive cars anymore as petrol prices touch the £300 per gallon mark. A delighted Gordon Brown commented "It is a marvellous start to the Olypmic Games and wonderful for a Celt to win our first gold medal. Obviously whilst our strategy of not capping fuel duty means that every price rise is accompanied by an increase in the money paid in tax, I cannot take full credit for this success and we should pay some tribute to young Miss Cooke who must share at least some of the glory." The Conservatives however were furious at these comments. Their leader, David Cameron is a regular cyclist and, most days, even beats his two cars of bodyguards into work. Mr. Cameron responded: "It is clear that the Prime Minister is simply attempting to claim the glory for a success born from Tory policies. Who can forget Norman (now Lord) Tebbit's famous "on yer bike" speech from the early 80s. Surely it was this far sighted Conservative policy that paved the way for the current success." The Liberal Democrats were unimpressed by either argument since, in their opinion, all British Olympic success may be traced directly back to the participation of Ming Campbell in the 1964 games in Tokyo where, despite popular myth, he did not in fact step down from the leadership of the relay team to make way for a younger man.

The Olympics begin (again)

Well, first we had the news that the games had begun, three days before the opening ceremony. This seemed like a slightly unusual way of doing things but this is China. So, it therefore seems that things might be happening a few days before we get to see them in order for all the pictures to be vetted and edited, if they showed something unacceptable to the Beijing authorities. But now, things are in full swing and we are able to view endless hours of coverage of all the sports that we choose not to watch at any other time. This is why, when I felt lazy yesterday afternoon, I found myself staring at men's gymnastics. There are many problems with gymnastics. The first one is that, to the uninitiated, after a while, every competitor on any given apparatus, seems to do exactly the same thing. And, of course, just my luck, as soon as I diverted my attention to make a phone call, somebody at last fell off and I missed it. Scoring of course is a mystery which I suspect takes as its model the Eurovision voting system. It appears to be perfectly possible for a competitor whose performance the commentators cannot fault to score less points that one whose errors are shown in slow motion and explained by the experts. But perhaps the biggest problem with gymnastics is that it seems impossible to find any reason for it to exist. Every aspect of it seems to be utterly pointless with the added risk of potentially being able to hurt yourself quite badly. Other sports, in however esoteric a way, seem to have some basis in usefulness. The fencers and judo players can defend themselves. The runners can escape from danger if they happen not to be fencers or judo players. The shooters, archers and spear chuckers can kill a meal. The walkers and cyclists can get from A to B in good time. The players of team sports can demonstrate teamwork that could help them work together on a difficult task. But the gymnasts ... At what stage in human history could survival chances be improved by being able to hang upside down from two hoops? Whilst being able to vault over a wall has undoubtedly been a useful skill to some in the past, it is likely that doing so (with a sheep under you arm) is not helped by incorporating somersaults and twists into the manoeuvre. But what bugs me the most is that there might have been a Chinese competitor who fell off every piece of apparatus in spectacular comic fashion - and all the footage rests in ashes in the incinerator of Communist Party Headquarters.

A couple of silly jokes ...

I heard these recently ... I came home today to discover that my wife had fitted a large mirror to the bedroom ceiling. Now she can watch herself having headaches. {This one only really works better when spoken out loud} A rabbit walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a cheese and ham toastie. The barman is somewhat taken aback but, after confirming the rabbit's age, and his ability to pay, obliges. The rabbit eat the toastie, drinks the pint and leaves. Nest day, the same thing happen - pint of bitter, cheese and ham toastie. And so it continues for weeks. Word gets around and suddenly, the pub is transformed from a remote struggling local, into a tourist hotspot with crowds coming from miles around to witness the talking, beer drinking, toastie eating rabbit. Well, one day, the pub is so busy that when the rabbit orders his usual, the barman has to tell him "Sorry, we've run out of ham. Can I get you some other kind of toastie, maybe cheese and onion." The rabbit isn't happy but reluctantly agrees. The next day, no rabbit. Nor the day after. Eventually, the pub returns to the deserted local of before when, one day, the ghost of the rabbit walks in through the door. "What happened to you?" said the barman. "I died." replied the rabbit. "What from?" "Mixin' me toasties." (Sorry ...)

McCain assured of UK job after Presidential Elections

London - Sources within No. 10 have today confirmed plans to offer a high profile cabinet position to the runner-up in the US Presidential Elections later this year. As the person concerned will have succeeded in losing the biggest prize in the world, they should fit in nicely in the newly created role of Secretary of State for Looking after Confidential Data. A Government spokeperson added that "To date, most of our losses of personal data have been small, usually just a few CDs worth. By bringing in a skilled, high profile loser, we anticipate being able to move to a situation where we can lose DVDs - thereby bringing about a seven fold performance improvement." There is however concern in Whitehall that if Barack Obama's inevitable assassination takes place sufficiently close to the election date that Mr. McCain might get elected with no official loser to the contest. Sources suggest that, in such circumstances, there is a strong possibility that the post will be offered to Tim Henman.

BBC to launch new talent show

Yes, amid great excitment for the cerebrally challenged who enjoy watching their lives drift past as they stare at a bunch of wannabees indulging the in longest auditions in history, the BBC announces a new sure fire blockbuster for Saturday night. The new show "Going Thora Song" will attempt to find a new replacement for the sadly missed DameThora Hird. As you may be aware, Thora's departure in 2003 left the Beeb with a major gap to fill. They currently have over 200 slight reworkings of the "Last of the summer wine" script that are waiting to be recorded as new episodes but, as yet, there is nobody to dispense advice on the skill of achieving male domination via combative cake making to the younger female generation of the series. What's more, doctors fear for the health of playwright Alan Bennett who is said to be "word-bound" having been unable to find any suitable receptacle for his emissions in five years. The new show is expected to differ very little from the now accepted format. A troupe of enthusiastic hopefuls will be found who are all prepared to do "anything" to fulfil their showbiz dreams because, after all this is what they were all "born to do." Do anything that is except enroll at drama school, learn the business from the bottom up by the old fashioned expedient of a few years hard work. Concern at the BBC is running high as this is not their first attempt to replace Dame Thora. The first, unsuccessfull attempt was based on the idea that, if someone with a name similar enough was found, it would be adequate to satisfy most of the audience. This assertion was based on the recommendations of a £300,000 study conducted by the son of one of the Beeb's directors. Anyway, the decision to cast former Home Secretary Douglas Hurd in the "Summer wine" role met with failure after Hurd's legendary hairstyle could not be compressed into the required hairnet and furthermore, he was dissatisfied at the econonic model employed by the local cafe in the series - a situation which culminated in an exchange of aggressively thrown teacakes with Peter Sallis. Thus, the Beeb hope that the search for "Thora Hird the Third" will bring an end to these troubled times.