Today's top news - US kidnap victim found

American woman, Jaycee Lee Dugard has been located some 18 years after her disappearance. She had it appears, been abducted by, and produced two children with, Philip Garrido, a man described as having “increasingly strong religious beliefs.”

The girls and her children spent most of this time a in a “backyard hidden within a backyard” never attending school or seeing a doctor.

A number of points immediately stand out as being noteworthy here. Firstly, the victim. Jaycee? Jaycee! I’m guessing that the (alleged) kidnapper was not the only one with strong religious beliefs involved in this case.

Now, we all know that Americans are notorious for inventing ridiculous names for their offspring but adding some vowels to acronyms does seem a bit extreme. What next? Would a premature child be christened “Peedeequeue”? An unplanned pregnancy “Owemgee” whilst an overdue baby, resisting all attempts to induce birth, might gain the monicker “Arressveepee.”

The concept of backyards hidden within other backyards causes some angst too. It seems to be some sort of cross between a Russian doll and a Tardis. Perhaps we have different concepts of a backyard, as opposed to a garden. To me, a backyard sounds like it is about 20 square yards of concrete containing a washing line, dustbin and privy. Concealing another backyard within this structure is a feat that would challenge Paul Daniels at his peak.

However, this brings us to another issue – the way in which this case demonstrates the startling similarities with day to day life in the UK. Firstly, as a convicted sex offender, Mr. Garrido was visited by officials from time to time and they failed to notice anything unusual about the “concealed backyard”. The area was, it seems, “concealed by shrubs, rubbish bins and a tarpaulin”. In a sex offender’s garden. Nope, nothing suspicious there. Were the child protection duties subcontracted to Haringey Council one wonders.

Let’s consider some of the other points that seem to prove the similarity between our two great countries. “JC” – that’s her txtspk name, had her first child at 14 – pretty standard for the UK. Her children have never been to school – ditto. However, there is one major difference; her kids have never seen a doctor. In the UK of course we have something called the NHS which allows failed parents to acquire a medically based language to cover up their shortcomings e.g.

“Naughty, undisciplined hooligan” becomes “ADHD”

“Spends all day in front of TV/computer game” and has never read a book” becomes “Dyslexic”

and “eats nothing but burgers, chips and pizza” is a “food intolerance.”

Mr. Garrido himself will of course be completely free from any form of prosecution as he has the double ace up his sleeve. Firstly he is apparently a paedophile. Presumably, any time soon that word will be frowned upon and we will be expected to use the term “differently sexually stimulated” and treat him as a victim. Secondly of course, he has the religion card. Now clearly, whatever brand of religion he belongs to, or has invented, it would constitute an appalling lack of religious freedom to criticise his activities. Indeed, by the time anyone reads this, said gentleman will probably be in line for a large compensatory payment for the torture he has suffered as a result of society’s intolerance.