Poem - Christmas Time Again

Yes, as awful a prospect as it is, with September almost upon us, it will be the extended "festive" season in no time at all.

Perhaps, like me, you relish this with the same sort of enthusiasm as a dental appointment for some root canal work. If so, read on ...

This was originally written (and performed) as a song. For any musos out there, it's in 6/8 time just think DUM DADA DADA DUM DADA DADA

Chords (in G) are:

Line 1: G  C
Line 2: G  D
Line 3: G  Em
Line 4: C  D  G
Then repeat line 4 with some backing vocals singing "It's christmas time again" - Easy!

Christmas time again


Now Christmas time is once again here
The sleigh bells ring and the children all cheer
And every adult trembles with fear
‘Cos it’s Christmas time again.

The TV adverts make me want to scream
It feels like I’m having a terrible dream
The shops are still selling sun tan cream
But it’s Christmas time apparently.

Men dressed as Santa want all my dough
I’ll punch the next bloke that says “Yo ho ho!"
Shove his charity box where it doesn’t show
“Merrrry Christmas!”

Five quid a child just to go in the grotto
Cobblers to that unless I win the lotto
“Bah humbug” seems to be a good motto
When it’s Christmas time again.

The kids don’t want bikes or new party frocks
They’ve all got to have the latest X-box
And all I ever get are more bloody socks
And a year’s supply of Lynx.

And I must attend the wife’s works Christmas bash
Be on best behaviour and spend loads of cash
Oh sod it, I think I’ll just go on the lash
As it’s Christmas time again.

So I drink wine and beer in copious amounts
And then I set eyes on the girl from Accounts
I slip her my best lines – I’m ready to pounce
Well, it’s only once a year innit?

I take her outside – the air’s cold as a freezer
To help keep her warm I cuddle and squeeze her
Oh Christ, I think it’s a cross dressing geezer!
Christmas Bloody Christmas.

After three months of build up it’s now Christmas Eve
The kids are off school and I’m off on leave
One more mince pie and I’m sure I’ll heave
“Huuueeeey” - Christmas again.

The kids lie awake all excited in bed
For some fat bloke to come, all dressed in red
Next year I’ll tell them the old bugger’s dead
Yeah, that’ll save a few bob at Christmas.

Now it’s four in the morning on Christmas Day
I can’t go to bed ‘till the kids drift away
So I slip ‘em a Vallium and think “Hooray!”
A year before Christmas again.

The morning has come and the family’s here
The mother-in-law brings me no festive cheer
I’ve hidden the mistletoe out of blind fear
Help! It’s Christmas again.

The missus’s mother is no Christmas fairy
She’s out of her head on egg nog and sherry
And any time now she’ll start to get lairy
Not much peace and goodwill here mate.

And now the old trout has been drinking my whiskey
Oh bloody hell, now she’s getting quite frisky
I’m off to the pub – this is getting too risky
Why couldn’t I have been Jewish?

I stand at the bar in a line of new sweaters
Men that were wealthy, transformed into debtors
Some want to leave home, they write their wives letters
And Christmas cheer abounds.

The log fire burns and we stare at the embers
Come up with a plan to cancel Decembers
But we’re all too drunk and no-one remembers
‘Till it’s Christmas time again.

And again …

And again …

And again …