New research could herald a solution to the energy crisis

For generations, scientists and engineers have sought out new, environmentally friendly and sustainable means to provide for the ever growing energy requirements of our planet. Many avenues have been explored: nuclear fission, cold fusion, wind, tide, solar, bio-fuels etc. but every currently available technology has its drawbacks on so the search continues for a new generation of clean energy.
However, new research carried out at the internationally renowned Bilsluth Institute suggests that the answer may lie within us – well, half of us anyway.

“The initial idea came to me in bed one evening” states Professor Ian Vendement, “whilst I was lying uncovered in bed due to the extreme heat we were experiencing. Meanwhile, my wife lay beside me shivering under a double layer of duvet.

“This got me thinking. I suddenly reaslised that many women also set heating controls to crazy levels about the home and workplace. And have you ever let a woman run a bath for you? If so, you’ll know the golden rule for men – do not allow any part of your body to come into contact with the water until several gallons of cold have been added.”

Thinking about the problem, Prof Vendement realised that the only feasible explanation would be if ladies’ body temperatures were actually lower than men’s and this, in turn, implied that this ‘missing’ heat must be extracted and stored somewhere.

Vendement explains “As we know, energy can be neither created nor destroyed so this missing thermal energy inside women had to be going somewhere. We soon realised from tests that it wasn’t escaping from the body so we deduced that there must be some kind of ‘thermal battery’ at work.”

Once this discovery had been made, locating the ‘thermal battery’ was simple. It would have to be an area separated from the trunk and well insulated so as to retain heat. The obvious answer – the head. And this would explain why, when measuring a female’s temperature in the mouth or ear, it appears normal – as the measuring device is now located much closer to the heat store.

As Vendement explains “Currently, all that heat is stored in the lady until she is 40 or 50 years old. At this point, nature decides to allow the heat to escape in a series of hot flushes and all that stored energy simply goes to waste.”

Vendement and his team have performed detailed calculations based around experimental work to establish the specific heat capacity of a female body, in order to estimate how much stored energy might be available to tap into.

The answer, the team believe, is that approximately one half of the planet’s energy requirements could be met by hot-headed women (although some allowance has to be made for ginger haired ladies – or ‘copper tops’ – as they will exhibit lower levels of thermal insulation resulting in a quantity of hot air escaping from them.

The big problem, of course would be how to tap into this free energy. One avenue of investigation is the use of modified hair driers – the kind that ladies sit inside at the salon. Instead of the current situation where the machine blows hot air at the head, it could be modified to suck instead. With enough suction, it is hoped that hot air from inside the subject’s head could be removed (drying the hair en-route) and captured within the device. This energy could then be employed to heat water to drive turbines or heat cities.

Research continues.

Oh no, another ultrasonic pet

It's that time of year again, as we approach Bonfire Night (Nov 5th) in the UK. My dog gets scared to go out at night because of the fireworks and I am now scared to go outside due to the awful, shrill, ear-piercing wailings that are common place most evening. A little background by way of explanation. As stated, I have a dog. Now, if I want my dog to come, there is a simple process, roughly as follows: 1) I shout his name, possibly followed by additional verbiage such as "Come here" or "Come on then" 2) Dog hears me and asks himself whether there might be any food involved 3) Assuming no food involved, assess whether there are any further benefits to be obtained e.g. go for walk, get a big fuss etc. 4) Assuming no benefits then ask self "Can I be bothered to go over to him really?" and, generally, as a rule, take no notice. Note that at no point in this process is it necessary for anyone to emit a noise that would be audible only to bats. My dog, like all cats I have ever known, is perfectly capable of hearing the human voice in its natural form. So why then do people (okay, I'm mainly talking about ladies here) believe it necessary to raise the pitch of their voice to near ultrasonic frequencies when calling a cat? And why do they all seem to live near me? The annoying thing is however, that not being trained singers, these women are unable to reach such high notes without getting louder as the frequency rises. An example: A few nights ago, a neighbour calls out "Tippy" to her feline. This was done in what we would refer to as a "high pitched voice." Being a cat, it naturally ignored her. So we get the next shout of "Tippy" accompanied by some "kissing" sounds, but in a higher voice. No result. So, what does she do now? Well, obviously the failure is due to her cat not hearing in the normal human audio range so she goes for it big time and attempts a full octave rise in her voice along with a doubling of the volume. This in itself is painfull on the ears but she doesn't stop there and extends the shout to "TIPPEEEEEEE" - trying to increase the pitch even further until her voice cracks into a gtteral throaty mush. Now I know that comparing cats with dogs is not perfect but I can say the word "biscuit" or "pussy cat" in a perfectly normal voice and generate an instant reaction from my dog, with no soprano impressions whatsoever. Is it really so different for cats? I feel the need to experiment. So, I think I'm going to record a selection of low and high notes onto a tape and then experiment with any moggies that happen to wander into the back garden to see if either produces a stronger reaction. Anyone witnessing this may be excused for thinking that I am wearing headphones for some audio related purpose. Wrong. They will in fact be earmuffs to protect me in case "Tippee" is needed indoors again.