NEWSLINK
The Newsletter of the
Mudeford Men’s Club
Christmas 2011
How much do you know about Christmas?
I was wondering what to write about when I started thinking about Christmas traditions, where they come from and whether things are different in other parts of the world. If you want a laugh, Google “David Sedaris, six to eight black men.”
Decorating trees? Well, ancient Brits believed that tress shed their leaves because the tree spirits had done a runner and, if they made the trees look nice, they’d return to produce fruit again in spring.
Lights on the tree were originally candles and represented the stars in the sky at the time of Christ’s birth. Can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong there!
Many countries have their own version of a figure delivering presents to children. In Ukraine Syria
What do foreigners think we do at Christmas? The following all come from an Aussie website: If you’re English, you spend the festive period “mummering” – putting on a face mask and acting out plays. In the past, on Christmas Eve you ate nothing but corn porridge which, over the years, with extra ingredients added, evolved into plum pudding.
In Ireland
The Scots meanwhile must keep a roaring fire burning on the 24th to prevent evil elves from coming down the chimney and celebrate the big day by dancing around bonfires to bagpipe music.
And finally, what I seemingly missed whilst growing up in Wales
I think we should now create some new “traditions” of our own for Christmas. So, sticking to the original story, I suggest that every year, we buy a ticket for a Virgin train which will break down forcing us to use the donkey replacement service. On arriving at our destination, the Holiday Inn will tell us there are no rooms left.
We can then go and roll around a bit in the assorted filth of cattle in a stable, watch a flock for a while and finish it all off with a nice bowl of Angel Delight then emigrate to Egypt. Be careful though, if we go too far down this route then the Easter celebrations could become somewhat painful.
How about some solemn, deeply religious verse to finish, lest we forget what Christmas is all about:
The naughtiest girl ever born
Wanted things for her feet Christmas mornBut Santa was mocking
As he filled up her stocking –
Two ladders, one bunion, one corn.
And finally, a stark warning on the dangers of drunk flying …
The sleigh crashed and burned - in Stanpit,
‘Twas the Public Convenience it hit.He’d thought all that sherry
Would just make him merry
But now Santa’s deep in the … doldrums.
STOP PRESS … STOP PRESS … STOP PRESS
What’s been happening …
A cold that you think will kill you. Head, chest, throat – the complete works. After two weeks you think it’s gone but it returns. The same thing happens in another two weeks. You cough until your ribs feel like they’ll burst through your chest wall. Your nose feels like there’s an angry wasp living in it.
Have you been affected by any of these issues? If so, you are almost certainly suffering from the plague that is “Roger-itis” or “R1M1” to give it the correct title.
A scanning electron microscope image of the R1M1 virus.
Despite his best attempts to blame absolutely anyone else he can think of, the Vice President is number one suspect for the germ that has spread through Mudeford like a gravy stain on a wedding dress.
- Call 999-999 (as three nines just aren’t enough for Roger-itis)
- Bathe in Dettol and take a course of strong horse antibiotics
- Turn your bedroom into a bio-hazard containment chamber and take to your bed and don’t expect to leave it for several weeks (if ever)
- Give Roger a good smack in the gob!
Well, if you were the President, you might be forgiven for thinking that the powers that be are out to get you.
Firstly, Laurie seemed to believe that the disabled parking bay outside Nat West was in fact a free parking facility for all. The traffic warden didn’t share this view and I can assure you that the ensuing language was more than a tad blue. Roger meanwhile insists it was nothing to do with him, honest guv … the jury is out.
It would seem that on another occasion, Laurie was walking home from the Club with Mark Vassie when they were surrounded by several Police cars screeching to a halt and questioned about a local robbery. Somehow they got away with it. Note to self: make the anonymous tip-off more convincing next time.
Seriously though, do keep you house well protected as there have been a number of local robberies including some of our members.
Christmas opening hours
Here’s when the Club will be open over Christmas and New Year. Note that this year, children will be welcome in the Lounge on Christmas Day (and Boxing Day).
| Date | Open | Close | Open | Close |
| 24 Dec | | - | - | |
| 25 Dec | | | - | - |
| 26 Dec | | | - | - |
| 27 Dec | | | | |
| 28-30 Dec | | | | |
| 31 Dec | | | | |
| 01 Jan | | | - | - |
| 02 Jan | | | | |
Entertainment news
Those who weren’t in the Club on Saturday 12th November missed a real treat. Trouble In Mind is a new band (for us) but featuring Terry Keyworth, who it seems knows half the members of the Club, on guitar. An unusual line-up of drums, double bass and guitar/vocals, I can honestly say I’ve seen nothing like it in the Club before. Guitar playing that could hold its own on any stage, anywhere in any company.
Do not miss them next time. Put a note in that cheap diary you get for Christmas – Sat 11th Feb 2012 .
Meanwhile, Outrage (60s band) had to cancel their date on 10th December due to serious illness. This provided a great chance to get Blowin’ Free back in. They provided the music for the Royal Wedding back in April so if you enjoyed that, come and see them again.
Here’s your packed schedule for December …
| Date | What’s on … |
| Sat 3rd | Quo-Incidence plus late bar and disco |
| Thu 8th | Ladies Darts disco, |
| Sat 10th | Blowin’ Free with |
| Sun 11th | Just Jeff (lunchtime) |
| Fri 16th | Finals night with |
| Sat 17th | Last night of Xmas draw. |
| Sat 24th | Xmas Eve disco with DLB. |
| Mon 26th | Charity Auction & Arfur Word (lunch) |
| Tue 27th | Table Football Comp (No Quiz) |
| Thu 29th | Filmed Race Night |
| Sat 31st | |
Sports and games news
After a difficult season where the fourth team had to cancel a few matches, the Cricket Club has decided to persevere with four Saturday sides next year. So if you’ve ever played cricket to any standard, or fancy giving it a try, have a word with Laurie Wilkinson (Chairman of the Club) and keep an eye out in spring for a notice regarding net practice.
Meanwhile, you may have noticed the “mole problem” on the cricket pitch. The piles of loam-rich topsoil were provided by the Council as long as the cricketers would do the spreading work which has just been completed thanks to some really hard work from a number of volunteers. Hopefully this will lead to better grass growth and better water retention resulting in a better field for all the many local users.
Football
We are nearly half way through the football season and both teams have made a solid start. The first team are currently top of Division 1 with a 4 point gap to the next team. They have won 7 out of 9 league games, drawing 1 and losing the other. Mitch East is currently top goal scorer with 9 goals, however goals have been coming from all positions with Mike Kitson, Pete Old and Liam Welton all contributing. However, it doesn't matter how many goals you score if you haven't got the defence to stop the opposition scoring at the other end ... and this year we seem to be excelling at that! A strong goalkeeper in Gary Lord has a formidable defensive combination of Paul Moss, Neal Spalding, Martin Saunders, Craig Armstrong and Pete Old in front of him. They have only conceded 8 league goals so far this season. This form has continued into the cup competitions as well. Hampshire cup victories against Lymington Reserves and Bournemouth Electric, both higher league teams, have given us a home league match with Hampshire Premier League team Locksheath on December 3rd. In the M.A. Hart Poole Bay Cup, an extra time victory over Premier League leaders Bournemouth Manor has given us a chance to beat another Premier League team Hamworthy Recreation on Dec 17th up at Wingfields.
The reserve team have also got off to a competent start. Having been promoted 2 divisions last year, they are currently sat 4th in the division with a record of straight 4s (W4 D4 L4)! This has been a great start in reality considering the ever changing team that seems to get put out each week! Leading marksman at the moment is Max Edgell with Marvin Fayer-Honor slowly catching him!
As ever, the team’s fixtures are posted on the notice board just inside the main doors in the Club if you ever feel like coming to watch us.
I would like to congratulate one of our players, Marvin Fayer-Honor, for becoming a Dad in early November. Congratulations to you and Laura on the birth of Ella May. Also congratulations to the latest winner of the football lottery, Wendy Kearley. The Christmas draw is nearly upon us! - Rob Smith - Chairman
Ray Watson’s Sunday book sales
Thank you to everybody who donated books for the charity book sales. Thank you to all the people who purchased books. So far, after 10 Sunday sales, you have raised £324.30. Thank you and keep those books coming! – Ray Watson
2011/12 charity fundraising.
As ever, there will be lots going on over the period to raise cash for some good causes. You can enter draws to win a large fluffy toy or a brand new, boxed netbook PC (kindly donated by Pete Dodd).
January will see the Balloon Race. No doubt a bit more cash will be donated from things like the Meat and Bottle Draws over the Christmas period and of course, as ever, there will be the Grand Boxing Day Auction (lunchtime).
The bidding kicks off around 1pm and there are bound to be some great bargains up for grabs. Music will be provided by “Arfur Word” and you can bring the children. Well behaved children will probably not be auctioned off as slaves.
If you have anything to donate then please bring it to the Club well before Boxing Day and mark the item clearly with your name.
Where’s the cash going to this year? - I hear you ask. As ever, there will be a donation to the Mudeford Lifeboat. Other recipients include:
- Stanpit Village Hall – This building has played a key role in the history of both Mudeford and the Club itself. They have recently been spending lots of cash on refurbishment including improvements in fire safety and a new sound system
- Christchurch Food Bank – provides emergency food for those who have literally nothing. There are boxes in the Club into which you can place any spare items of food that have a good bit of time left on their “Best Before” dates.
- High Cross Church Youth Group (Soul Juice) – providing events and activities to keep youngsters (11-18 years of age) off the streets
Dinner dance 2012
Yes, the Dinner Dance is back after a year off! The date will be Friday 2nd March 2012 and the venue will be the newly refurbished Hoburne Park
For that, you get your three course meal with coffee and wine, free raffle, live music from Uptown Traffic (nine piece band with a brass section) a disco and a 1am bar. And let’s not forget the annual chance to lose the lining of your mouth on the volcanically hot French Onion Soup served at midnight .
Tables will seat 10 if you want to start planning your group now. Menus will be put out for you to take away in January as you will need to order your food when you buy your tickets.
Coming soon …
Children’s Christmas Party – Sat 10th Dec, 3-6pm (Lounge closed from 2:30pm , John Boyt bar remains open)
Over 60s snooker competition – 14th & 15th Dec
Finals Night – Fri 16th December
Christmas Draw – Finishing on Sat 17th Dec
Sloe Gin / Brandy Comp – Sun 18th Dec
Annual Charity Auction – Mon 26th December.
Panto Trip (for the kids!) – Thu 29th Dec, Jack and the Beanstalk at The Pavilion
Balloon Race – January, exact date TBC
Your letters and emails
Ricky Mitchell wins the £10 of free drinks for many submissions that alas we must trim down to just a few:
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
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I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her and she fell over.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her and she fell over.
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £7. B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £7. B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
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Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
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Saw my mate outside the doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C." he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
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I was driving this morning when I saw anRAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'That guy's heading for a breakdown'.
I was driving this morning when I saw an
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,
"Dave, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years."
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "How do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "How do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She said " Is that you or the beer talking?"
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you." She said " Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied "It's me talking to the beer."
A pint for Dave Hastings
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
And a pint for Ray Watson
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that is so easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are..... COMPLETELY finished.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Contact Newslink
Write to Newslink via the Club.
E-mail via the Club web site.
Call Rich Leyshon on xxxxx xxxxxx.
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